An Idiot Abroad 1. Getting There

"Did you drive or did you flew?" Sid Dithers

These are the four official airfare designations shared by all airlines offering International travel. Some airlines give them different titles, but they are basically the same.
 
Skinny Economy. Perfect for children under six, waifs (see kids under six, yogis, starving soothsayers, holy men (all denominations), college students, and adults who wish to pass what little inheritance they do have to their families).
Obese Economy. All adults under 155 pounds (11.0714 stones). The only advantage is that the curtain separates you from the class lower than you. And you get a hot towel. 
Look at me, I’m in a Cubicle. For those who require an option for a little more space and a reminder of what it’s like to work on the third floor of any accounting office, this is the choice for you. From what I could see when I was herded past, they also have a little rest that folds up for your feet. I can only imagine what the hot washcloths are like.
 
And finally…
 
Start the Revolution. AKA Let Them Eat Cake AKA I Did Not Have the Time to Cross the Atlantic on the Queen Mary. To give you a small idea of how luxurious this might be, they did not even herd us past these last accommodations. I can only imagine that stairs are involved, a fully functioning bar, a temporary seat of airborne government, and hot wash clothes made from the fur of domestic minks.  
 
I chose Obese economy, thinking my 200-pound-plus weight (14.285+ stones) would be more comfortable with a slightly bigger seat and more legroom. My seat companions, in both directions, having been elbowed upon countless occasions, would most suggest that I consider the cubicle option, where a wall would separate my closest neighbor from a broken nose. 
 
The Plane Itself

A380 Airbus
The Airbus A380 is a double-deck, wide-body, four-engine jet manufactured by Airbus Industrie, the European consortium.
It is the world's largest commercial passenger aircraft, and the upper deck extends along the entire fuselage length. It is also one of the greenest, with lower community noise and emissions per passenger than the Boeing 747-400, despite having almost 50% more floor space and 60% more headroom.  British Airways.
 
We can’t say this enough: Boeing had nothing to do with it.
 
Wedged into my obese seat utilizing very much the same equipment that comedian Dick Gregory used to get that huge person out of their house, I was immediately struck by the claustrophobic coziness of myself and the young adult English Male occupying the window seat. I celebrated this new relationship with a quick elbow jab to his chin while searching for the insert holes for my headphone jack. Mimicking the younger, more patient, and seasoned traveler like a young ape first learning to use tools, I eventually found the correct input and attempted to settle in for a very lengthy flight.  
 
It took roughly the entire 13-hour flight to figure out the seat controls buried under my fat's layers, and the all-important entertainment screen.  I still have no idea what the purpose of several of the more colorful buttons was.  I know that one alerted the stewardess that I needed help, as she stopped by countless times during the crossing.
 
Helpful hints that will assist you throughout your flight:
 Hope for a seatmate who is more travelled than you. This will undoubtedly help with the whole seat button scenario.
Find compression socks that are functional and possess a bit of flair. 
Sleep will undoubtedly prove elusive as a newbie, so pick a random passenger somewhere in your section and stare at them. 
Study the flight status map on your personal monitor and guess the number of mid-air collisions that were narrowly missed while over the U.S. airspace.
Remember to get up as often as possible to stretch your legs. This advice applies to anyone seated in a middle or window seat.
 
Meals
Not counting the vegetarian and vegan options, there are basically three ways your meal will be prepared.
Boiled.
Microwaved.
A combination of the above.
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For dinner I had the beef, boiled to a pale gray perfection and served alongside two baby potatoes and three green beans. It was served with side comprised of a wilted bowl of lettuce, a dessert, a roll, a slab of butter and to keep the meal at least appearing somewhat continental, a cracker and a slice of Tillamook Cheese.  Of course, being an idiot, I ate all of it.
 
Whether it was the excitement of my adventure or the relatively small size of my bladder, I did not sleep and chose instead to pry myself out of my seat on the hour, amble up and down the aisle like some restless spirit. I usually ended up in one of the bathrooms to enjoy a thorough hand cleaning. At this point of the journey, the cabin was dark, the lights from the small personal monitors providing the only light, the aircraft’s only sound, the hum of the powerful jet engines accompanied by the crack of my bony elbow against several of the passengers’ sleeping skulls.
       “Sorry.”
 
Breakfast was a halfhearted attempt at English style, complete with baked beans, eggs, bacon, and a plump sausage, coincidentally boiled to the same pale gray perfection as the boiled slab of beef. 
I was about to try my first attempt at digesting this second meal as the captain announced we would land shortly. The oversized mechanical bird was about to drop out of the sky at the same rate of speed that dreary gray sausage attempted to jettison my digestive system. A fitting reminder that my stay in Great Britain would be brief.