A Presidential Subtext November 5th

​As a public service, I thought it my duty to deliver the subtext of our President, Donald J. Trump’s, last press conference of November 5, 2020. For the sake of accuracy, I have included all of the subtext word for word and only presented it in all CAPS when insisted by the President.

“(Opening three-ring Presidential binder)

Good afternoon. I can’t go to prison. Perhaps that has not been made apparent by the countless books, the DA of New York and all of the fine people, lawyers and investigators that I have fired in the last four years. I would not do well in prison, even one of those Federal ones with the tennis courts. Suburban women may not like me, but convicted felons are not fond of me either. In fact, I think they would take great pleasure in hating me and this causes me great distress. The prison system as it exists today frowns on the use of adult diapers. Did I happen to mention that? They hate they bigly. All of the guards and my fellow cons will make fun of me just like they did in military school and that would be unacceptable. I’m just saying this as a reference point as to why I am protesting so vehemently about not winning this election.

Did I mention Deutsche Bank? They are moving me on me like a bitch, threatening to foreclose on my billions of dollars of loans. If I remain President, I don’t have to pay those loans, Maybe I will die in office and all that debt will fall on my kinds, Donnie Jr and Eric. I hear the Adderall you get in prison has been cut down. I need my Adderall to have a kick, you know? I get mine from my own physician in the White House. It’s great shit, man. I hear will have to share a doctor with all my fellow inmates and that scares me, man.

Did you ever see Escape at Dannemora on Amazon Prime? I get the streaming service free at the White House. That movie fucked me up, man. Prison is a nasty place. Although they do have cough syrup cocktails that look pretty tasty. And they also have a tailor shop. I did not know that.

In closing, I will sum up. I can’t lose this election and go to prison. I owe lots of money to some bad-ass people and the minute I step out of the White House, the shit will hit the fan. Seriously, I am not lying for once. Some Russian crime boss could even kill me. And I don’t trust the Saudi’s. Sure, they’d be all friendly at first, Hey, Mr. Ex-President, come live with us. And, I’m like sure, why not? Then one day, they invite me over for couscous
(slicing a forefinger across his throat) and that’s all she wrote. (Closing his binder) Thank you.”