J.P. Linde
  • Blog
  • About
  • Contact

J.P. Linde

Writer
J.P. on "STOP ME IF I'VE HEARD THIS" 04/13/20
Picture
Picture
1995: AROUND TOWN - KOIN TV (Portland Oregon)
In my brief 3 months as Entertainment Reporter, I won 16 Emmys and three Pulitzer Prizes.
You can now gift the entire J.P. Linde collection of novels and films. “SON OF RAVAGE,” “THE HOLOGRAPHIC DETECTIVE AGENCY” and, of course, the campy horror film classic “AXE TO GRIND.” All three make excellent gifts. And while you’re at it, add a couple of J.P. Linde COMEDY CLUB NETWORK appearances to your digital library. You can find all of my appearances on Amazon Prime at a very affordable price. Give the gift that will keep on giving. Get your J.P. Linde Media Bundle today!

“The most frequent side effects associated with the J.P. Linde Media Bundle are tachycardia, blurred vision, abdominal pain, and diarrhea. Decreases in appetite and rash/pruitus are also common. Those patients purchasing the J.P. Linde Media Bundle are at risk for developing extrapyramidal symptoms, including dystonia, parkinsonism, and restlessness, in addition to neuroleptic malignant syndrome and tardive dyskinesia. In some cases, The J.P. Linde Media Bundle can cause hyperprolactinemia, orthostatic hypotension, leucopenia, seizures, and the potential for suicide. As with most atypical antipsychotics, metabolic changes such as weight gain and hyperglycemia are also possible”

Picture
Picture
web page hit counters codes Free
<>

Breathe Easier, America?

1/23/2021

0 Comments

 
Picture
​Hopefully this will be my last political blog of the new year. Bad shit is still happening all around us, but at least the big, bad, orange Randall Flagg is no longer huffing and puffing across this nation. Maybe he is like Sauron, merely waiting his time until the third age to attempt to finish us all. Well, like the environment, we Americans have a way of dealing with such things; kick it down the damn road for another generation.
 
To all of the “deplorables” who are now wailing and gnashing their teeth because Q did not intervene and stop the lizard, democratic pedophiles, I can only say, a giant heart-felt fuck you. Just a reminder, Santa Claus is not coming to town, your mom was the tooth fairy and Jesus is never coming back for you. He left you a message and you ignored it. Go back into your caves, under rocks or doublewides if you got, and take a community college night class. I’d prefer Civics but will settle on all of you taking Introduction to Film.
 
I am not naïve. We will have a hard time coming together. What divides us, is ultimately a lot stronger than what holds us together. Why, because its older. It turns out that racism is the tie that binds, the super-glue that holds all of it together. Look to your neighbor to your left, look to your neighbor to your right and if they are not racists, guess what? 
​
With Sleepy Joe, hopefully we finally have a minute or two to catch our breath. Take a nap but, word of caution, do it with your eyes open. Remember, there Urik-Hai and Orcs are still around. They just go by different names now. Names like Tuberville, Cruz and Hawley. They are legion, reproducing, not only infiltrating politics but all other areas of civilized society as well, including Real Estate, Nail Salons, Gun-toting diners and cancelled Showtime series Ray Donovan. 
 
And now that I have totally depressed you, here is a brief message of hope from Dame Katy Perry.
 

0 Comments

The Rogues Gallery

1/16/2021

0 Comments

 
Picture
This won’t take as long as the My Pillow Guy’s plan to overturn a free and fair election. I must admit, I never once suspected the former crack addict and bedding entrepreneur of plotting to overthrow the government. But, I guess we live in curious times.  Watching a civilized society implode is not for squeamish. It takes a real resolution to count down the days before a newly elected government takes over. And It ain’t over. There is a whole collection of second-string villains, eagerly awaiting their guest star roles for America’s own version of the Adam West Batman.
 
There’s the devious and dastardly Cuck played, of course by the charming and wife watching Roger Stone and his not so youthful ward, The Rev. There’s always the Sycophant Butt Boys, Senator Cruz and Hawley. Always a joy to see how low these ass-killers will go. Mattel from Hell, (Ivanka and Mr. Ivanka) prove to be as dangerous as they are unwilling to let you use on of their toilets. Mr. Moneybags, Lou Dobbs, is a great minion for the throngs of Trump supporters who have to use urinary catheters. And who could forget, the most horrifying of them all, The Cage himself,” Stephen, (I forgot I am Jewish) Hitler, I mean Miller.
 
What’s really sad is I could go on and on and on and on. Kelly Ann Conway, The Shrieking Skull, Steve “The Mnuch” Mnuchin. Well, you see, all warrant villain roles, battling the 60s Caped Crusader. The sad part, half of America would be rooting for the bad guys.
 
Stay safe, Amercia. And I really mean it!
 
0 Comments

Beware the Ides of January

1/9/2021

2 Comments

 
Picture
​We interrupt regularly scheduled programming this week for this special BEWARE THE IDES OF JANUARY episode. Let’s start with the facts, shall we.
 
The President invited his “followers” to Washington DC, promising all a “wild protest.”
After addressing his followers on Jan 6, 2020. The so-called wild protest turns into a seditious mob, threatening to kill Vice President Mike Pence and storms the capital building. Seems like someone left the barn door open and with little trouble they walk on in. Some of these asshats are even armed with weapons, some carry zip-ties while pipe bombs are left outside. Later, commentators on Fox News declare that members of Antifa have infiltrated this mob which is absolutely false. Protestors clearly declare to anyone with a camera and a mic who they are and what they are doing.
 
Meanwhile back at the White House, Trump and his criminal family watch, laugh and tweet as thugs ransack the national seat of power. Music plays and everyone seems to be having a grand time. After holding back support for the beleaguered capital, the National Guard finally arrives and the protestors are beat back where there are almost no arrests until the following day.
 
Trump is subsequently banned from Twitter and promises to work for a peaceful transition of power. However, he will not be attending the inauguration.
 
Why the recap? Because my fear is this is not over. This mob has promised that this is not over and that they will return with even greater numbers. They have threatened the prospect of a peaceful transition of power as well as state and local governments. 
 
From CNN:
 
“John Scott-Railton, a senior researcher at the Citizen Lab -- a group at the University of Toronto that monitors cybersecurity -- said he is "terribly concerned" about the inauguration.
"While the broader public was aghast at what happened (Wednesday) at the Capitol, in certain corners of the sort of right wing conversation, what happened ... is viewed as a success," he told CNN.”
 
I firmly believe that the FBI and all other law enforcement agencies are monitoring the chatter of these terrorists. Oh, wait, the Justice Department and The Department of Homeland Security are still under the control of the White House.
 
Now what?
 
Please contact your representatives and let them know that you are concerned about the safety of the inauguration and of our republic. Fully protect the Nation’s Capital and fully check anyone in and out in the next few weeks. Send the local National Guard to our State Capitals. Armed protestors must be arrested on sight. Fuck their 2nd amendment rights. They walk on state government property, they get arrested and thrown in jail for inciting violence.
 
Enough is enough! For the past for years, America’s doors have been open and we have been infiltrated by traitors an it is time to slam it in their face. 
2 Comments

How Mando saved Star Wars

1/2/2021

0 Comments

 
Picture
I saw the title of an article recently that proposed Disney’s The Mandalorian saved Star Wars. SPOILER ALERT. It did. In my opinion Jon Favreau’s series did more for the franchise than J.J Abrams did for two films. When you talk about the top movies in the canon, one naturally turns to Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, Star Wars: A New Hope and Star Wars: Rogue One. All three of these films have one thing in common, a dedication to story. Favreau’s series went back to the basics as to what made these particular films great. 
 
There is no other place in the universe that these characters can belong to and yet, they are all truly something special. My personal favorite was in only two episodes but made an impression that will stick with me for quite some time. I am speaking of course of Werner Herzog, star of the classic Werner Herzog Eats his Shoe. Armed with a sinister leer and a piercing stare, he steals every single scene he is in. Add to the roster the following guest stars, all with reoccurring roles, Nick Nolte, Amy Sedaris, Bill Burr, Gina Carano and Carl Weathers, and you have a cast of characters truly worth tuning in. Not one of these characters is uninteresting and all because of an attention to character and what makes Star Wars truly special.
 
I don’t want to leave out Pedro Pascal who shines as the futuristic samurai with a code that is as unwavering as he is. A great character like this deserves great stories and in two seasons there has not been a dud. Even episodes that are distinctly similar to Kurosawa or Leone have their twist and individual flavor. 
 
The line-up of guest directors is as talented and diverse as the actors. Dave Filoni, Rick Famuyiwa, Deborah Chow, Bryce Dallas Howard, Taika Waititi and Carl Weathers. All of these artists share two very special things in common, a love of all things Star Wars and the writing and production supervision of Jon Favreau.
 
 Together, they have all forged a welcome addition and a renewed vitality to a beloved series.
 
0 Comments

Seasons Greetings

12/26/2020

0 Comments

 
Picture
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Nothing sums up the holidays better for me than Jonny Quest, Race Bannon, Dr. Benton C Quest and, Hadji, Bandit and, of course, the inscrutable and evil Dr. Zin.

​Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
 
We’re taking a few days off for refresh and renew. But, hey, we will be back with plenty more. Promise. In the meantime, stay safe and we will see you all back in 2021. 

0 Comments

Top Five Christmas Movies

12/19/2020

1 Comment

 
Picture
Well, taking a break from the chaos that surrounds us, I thought it high time I bring back a list. Not just any list, mind you, but a list of my top five Christmas movies. Some may surprise you. Some may even delight you. Some, well, I’m not even sure how they got on this list.
 
Without further ado, let’s get started.
 
Die Hard. 1988 Quintessential holiday film? Well, it certainly surpasses Pocket Full of Miracles. John McTiernan’s succeeded in making a holiday classic from the limited confines of the action/adventure genre. Suck on that, Sly and Arnie.
 
Bad Santa 2003 – In my mind, there are two stand-up performances in this film and neither one of them are really the star. Both John Ritter (mall manager) and Bernie Mac (Security) are worth the entire price of admission. Not that Billy Bob is bad, in point of fact, he’s great! It’s just, for my mind anyway, the former performances offer a bit more depth of character than the womanizing, alcoholic Santa
 
The Man Who Came to Dinner (1942), Christmas in Connecticut (1945) and Remember the Night (1940) For those who consider Frank Capra long winded and a bit of bore, I suggest these three. Each one is outstanding in their own way and two of three have a bit of a kick. Just watch them and you can decide which two (Hint: Alexander Wolcott and shoplifting).
 
“I hate people! I hate people!
People are despicable creatures
Loathesome inexplicable creatures
Good-for-nothing kickable creatures
I hate people! I abhor them!
When I see the indolent classes
Sitting on their indolent asses
Gulping ale from indolent glasses
I hate people! I detest them! I deplore them!”

 
 
And my favorite Christmas movie, the musical adaption of a Christmas Carol, starring that giant of musical comedy, Mr. Albert Finney, Scrooge 1970. I am not entirely sure why this is at the top of my list. To be honest, when I look at my high points, they might very well be considered someone else’s low points. Whether it is Sir Alec Guinness, Obi-wan himself, singing that memorable little ditty, See the Phantoms, or Finney himself singing another showstopper in musical history, I Hate People (changed to I Hate Christmas for the London Stage). These two performances are very noteworthy and, in my mind anyway to not get nearly enough holiday airplay on the local radio.
 
Okay, well, we’ve almost made it through the year. I am proud of all of us.  Merry Christmas!
 
1 Comment

Ding Dong

12/12/2020

0 Comments

 
Picture
​“Ding-dong, the witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked witch
Ding-dong, the wicked witch is dead
Wake up, you sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed
Wake up, the wicked witch is dead!”
 
Short of a violent coup, the Diaper Don will be heading out in just under a month. Last night, the Supreme Court, 3 of its “esteemed” members appointed by the orange one himself, decided not to hear the Texas case. The fat lady has officially sung, and it is nearly time to vacate. As with all white trash moves in the middle of the night, it is important that the American public conduct a quick inventory to make sure that the Florida hillbillies do not walk off with the furniture.
 
Are there any other surprises coming our way in the next few weeks? Most likely, yes. Americans are dying at a rate that is higher than 9/11 or the Civil War and we are about to enter what many scientists consider to the be the worst of it. So, rather than unify around a common cause, we as a nation have decided on derision, violence and even stupidity to set our course. And 45 fits right in. So, watch yourselves, everybody, things can and most likely will get a bit dicey.
 
Hey, at least I knew what I wanted to write about this week. Stay safe, everyone and we will talk again soon.
 
0 Comments

A Blog with No Name

12/5/2020

0 Comments

 
Picture
​Eh, I, oh, well…  Today, uh, we, I, eh…  I have been doing this little blog for almost two years. I have not missed a week due to having nothing to post. This week may be different. I was all set to write something inspirational titled, Hope is Not a Strategy. Then I realized that Bill Clinton came from Hope and I tossed the idea out the window. I also grow weary of composing hate-filled diatribes against this President and his corrupt family and administration. It only makes my restless nights a bit more restless as I weigh one outrage over another while tossing on my Sealy Posturepedic. So, I think today it will be a little different. Today I will talk about, eh, ah, uh…
 
Maybe I should take a minute to compose myself.
 
Okay, I’m back. So, how have you been? Are you going to get the shot? I think I will. Have to see. If it is anything like the shingles vaccine, we are all in for quite a ride. Okay, where were we? What were we talking about? Sir Sean Connery passed away. Did you know that Sean Connery passed on the role of Gandalf in Lord of the Rings? He said he didn’t understand it, so he passed, and it later became a great hit. That’s why he took League of Extraordinary Gentlemen as he didn’t understand it and because of this it would be a big hit. Well, that didn’t work out so well. So, he retired.
 
It is now December in Northern CA and we have had one day of rain, two if you are counting an additional day of heavy due with a side of mist. Not that I mind, sunshine but our fire season has now been extended from August to New Years. Think about that. This is a long time to have a go bag in your trunk.
 
As I ramble on, it will be interesting to see what you tube video I choose for the end of the blog. Much like this post, I literally have no idea of what I will include. It will most likely be music. As much as we all love funny cat videos, we have most likely seen them all. Same with the videos of guys getting hit in the balls, falling onto their balls or leaping onto a trampoline, hitting some object and it hits them in the balls. I do hear there is a video of Rudy Giuliani farting during a hearing. But, that’s officially politics and I am attempting to get away from that sort of thing.
 
Oh, well, I think that is about it for this week. Below is this week’s video. Even though I don’t know what it is, enjoy.
 
0 Comments

Happy Pissgiving

11/28/2020

0 Comments

 
Picture
​And the posts get shorter, and shorter, and shorter. First, sorry about that but 10 months of quarantine will do that to a guy. How was your Thanksgiving? This year, the Linde’s cooked their bird on the new Traeger smoker. A mixed year of many reasons to feel blessed with still many more reasons to remain pissed off. While we do set time aside every year to talk ponder what we are thankful about, I believe it’s high time we gather around my old website and talk about some of the things that just piss us off. Don’t be shy. Hell, I’ll even start.
 
Pissgiving 2020
 
Top of the list has to be this pandemic. Preventable, no. Foreseeable and then ignored? Most definitely While we’re at it, lets all give piss to those who won’t wear a mask because it infringes on their personal freedoms. These are the very same people who once they have the disease, going on the news and telling everyone how wrong they were so that they will be first in line for a ventilator.
 
Piss off to Republicans who are liars, sycophants and possible traitors. Yes, you heard me, fucking traitors. Supporting one single person for one agenda and ignoring everything else that put the entire country at risk. Special Pissgivings to the skinhead enforcement officials who jumped at the chance to play Nazi stormtrooper and beat the hell out of peaceful protestors, seniors and moms against facism. You all know who I mean
 
Religious hypocrites and My Pillow founders. When I am confronted with a killer disease, I can think of no better person to turn to hucksters and guys who prefer to watch their wives’ fuck the pool boy. It increases my faith in not only the entrepreneurial spirit but the good o’ time religion. What better ace in the hole than predicting the end of the world as we know it if you don’t vote for the orange antichrist. 
 
A very special Piss Off to climate deniers and conspiracy theorists. While Northern California continues to burn to the ground and the number of hurricanes and tornados more than double, some people would still prefer to spend their time worrying about Democratic pedophiles, pizza parlors and lizard people. Believing in lizard people is far easier than the science of global warming.
 
I realize I left out the proud boys, the racists, misogynists, homophobes and a majority of haters. You know who you are. Before the pandemic today used to be small business Saturday. Well, because you all won’t wear a mask and have a desire to fly across the country making a very bad situation worse, I hereby declare this day November 28 to be Pissgiving 2020.
 
Maybe it will be cancelled next year. Somehow, I doubt it.
0 Comments

The Squatter Report (Week 3)

11/21/2020

0 Comments

 
Picture
“Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey, goodbye."
Gary DeCarlo
 
This President is harder to get rid of than a world-wide pandemic. Bless his heart, he really doesm’t want to go. He reminds of my six-year-old daughter when Lion King was over and it was time to leave the parking lot. She screamed and cried it looked like kidnapping. Someone should send him a “If you love something, set it free,” embroidery kit. I mean he obviously has free time on his hands. It will give him something to do when he is not Twittering.
 
It has been all over the news but I do think it is worth calling out the Rudy G melt down. Honestly dude, I haven’t seen that much face paint since Circe Du Soeleil  award-winning performance of  Idiote.
 
On a lighter note, I finally got off my ass and joined Q. Some join for the Lizard People, some for the pizza. I joined for sheer exclusiveness of all those involved. In the words of the DJ Trump, “there are some fine individuals on all sides of that organization.” Jesus. I recall a simpler time when conspiracy actually attempted to cleaver. When if you merely had to rearrange the name of Henry Kissenger, adding up all the numbers and dividing it by pi, to uncover that he was the actual anti-Christ. Or, when the Queen of England was a drug pusher. Oh, the good ol’ days.
 
Okay, really switching some gears here so cover your ears from the grinding halt and u-turn. Have a couple of podcasts coming up which may be of interest to you. One will be recorded in December. Live from Arkansas, Tommy Hancock’s Pulped! And the other is called The Story Tellers from Vahalla Books. I listened to Tommy’s just last week and his knowledge on the genre of pulp stories of all kinds knows no limits.

In closing, I will leave you with this.
Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!
0 Comments
<<Previous

    Author

     ​In 1981, J.P. Linde co-wrote and appeared in a one-man comedy show titled “Casually Insane.”  Shortly after, he joined the ranks of stand-up comedy and performed in clubs and colleges throughout the United States and Canada.  In 1989, he made his national television debut on “Showtime’s Comedy Club Network.”  He wrote the libretto for the musical comedy “Wild Space A Go Go” and co-wrote and co-produced the feature motion picture, “Axe to Grind.”  “Son of Ravage” is his second novel.

    RSS Feed

    Picture

    Archives

    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • Blog
  • About
  • Contact