J.P. Linde
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J.P. Linde

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J.P. on "STOP ME IF I'VE HEARD THIS" 04/13/20
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1995: AROUND TOWN - KOIN TV (Portland Oregon)
In my brief 3 months as Entertainment Reporter, I won 16 Emmys and three Pulitzer Prizes.
You can now gift the entire J.P. Linde collection of novels and films. “SON OF RAVAGE,” “THE HOLOGRAPHIC DETECTIVE AGENCY” and, of course, the campy horror film classic “AXE TO GRIND.” All three make excellent gifts. And while you’re at it, add a couple of J.P. Linde COMEDY CLUB NETWORK appearances to your digital library. You can find all of my appearances on Amazon Prime at a very affordable price. Give the gift that will keep on giving. Get your J.P. Linde Media Bundle today!

“The most frequent side effects associated with the J.P. Linde Media Bundle are tachycardia, blurred vision, abdominal pain, and diarrhea. Decreases in appetite and rash/pruitus are also common. Those patients purchasing the J.P. Linde Media Bundle are at risk for developing extrapyramidal symptoms, including dystonia, parkinsonism, and restlessness, in addition to neuroleptic malignant syndrome and tardive dyskinesia. In some cases, The J.P. Linde Media Bundle can cause hyperprolactinemia, orthostatic hypotension, leucopenia, seizures, and the potential for suicide. As with most atypical antipsychotics, metabolic changes such as weight gain and hyperglycemia are also possible”

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The Purple Zombie

5/21/2022

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Pleased to announce my collaboration with the fine people at Prose Press on a new anthology based on the totally unique and bizarre comic (pulp) adventures of The Purple Zombie by Tarpe Mills. Stay tuned!

From Wikipedia:

June Tarpé Mills created several action comics characters ("Devil's Dust", "The Cat Man", "The Purple Zombie" and "Daredevil Barry Finn") before creating her most remembered character, "Miss Fury," in 1941.

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Two Minutes with the Great Bird

5/13/2022

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​The year was 1977, I had just moved to Los Angeles in search of fame and fortune as an actor. I was living in a $150 one-bedroom apartment on the corner of Glen Oaks and Olive. For the record, the apartment, unlike the memories is no longer there. My telecommunication options, much like my prospects were extremely limited. There was a payphone down the street for day-to-day calls and, for career or emergencies, there was the phone of MHCC alumnae Rand Deahl who lived just up a few blocks away. Rand had actual furniture which made visiting to use the phone even more pleasant. 
 
“Faced with a mortgage and a $2,000-per-month alimony obligation as a result of his 1969 divorce, he retained a booking agent and began to support himself largely by giving college lectures and appearances at science fiction conventions. These presentations included screenings of "The Cage" and blooper reels from the production of Star Trek.” Wikipedia
 
 
Gene Roddenberry’s touring road show, The World of Star Trek” played for a single night at the Memorial Coliseum in Portland, Oregon. As stated, the show consisted of the Great Bird addressing the hundreds, showing the Star Trek pilot, The Menagerie, and a blooper reel. I was a fan of Star Trek, seen the television show episodes several times each and read the series of books by author James Blish. It was not the Who in concert or even Cat Stevens, both of which I had seen the previous year, but the Great Bird was fun waste of two hours and ten bucks.
 
Cut to Burbank California, the late fall of 1977. Whether it was a dare, or the fact that I believed I would get a job, I hiked over to Rand Deahls’ place, called the main Paramount switchboard and asked for Gene’s office. They patched me through, the Gatekeeper taking a message and I was promptly dismissed.  
 
Less than one hour later, Rand’s phone rang. “Will you hold for Mr. Roddenberry.” A moment later, the Great Bird picked up the phone. I introduced myself, lying and said that we had talked back in Portland a year or so ago and that he told me to look him up when I got to town. Whether he bought it or not, I couldn’t tell. But it was time to make a move. I took a deep breath, steadied my resolve and…
 
    “So, I was wondering if you had any job openings.”  Sure, it was bad. In truth, it may have even been worse.  I truly can’t remember what it was that I said exactly but you get the gist. I can’t remember the rest of his reply, but he managed to dodge it nicely. The rest of the conversation lasted a total of three minutes, Mr. Roddenberry informing me that he was busy working on Star Trek: Phase Two and had a pressing meeting with the set designers. 
 
So, there’s my story. Aren’t you glad you asked?
 
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What's Streaming

5/6/2022

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Slow Horses (Based on the novel by Mick Herron, written by Will Smith (not the slappy one) and Morweena Banks.) Apple TV Plus. 
 
Tune in for the mystery thriller and espionage, stay for a noteworthy Gary Oldman multiple renditions of a wet fart. Top-nothing writing, acting, action with enough flatulence to keep a younger audience riveted. I rate this series from Apple TV Plus five silent but deadly farts.
 
CB Strike (Based on the novels by Robert Galbraith aka J.K. Rowling) HBO Max
 
Try as we might, we yanks will never be able to replicate a US version of Doctor Who or a decent Americanized television version of a British Mystery. Let’s face it, we have the attention spans of a mid-sized gnat and need to balance out all that thinking with a car chase that includes William Shatner hanging on for dear life to the hood of a careering car. We’ve come close with Columbo and two out of three Law and Orders but have since reverted to Chicago theme nights.  CB Strike is the perfect anecdote for all the CSI incarnations (frankly, you’d think they’d have run out of The Who songs by now). Created by none other than Harry Potter creator and trans hating JK Rowling, this excellent series of mysteries is well constructed, and well worth your time. Based on the series of best-selling books, the showrunners manage to perfectly balance what to keep and what to leave out.  Get your British mystery on! 
 
 
The Offer (Michael Tolkin) Paramount Plus. 
 
Critics hate this show so much that it makes me wonder if I happen to be in the early stages of dementia. I have seen three episodes so far and I LOVE IT. Are the performances a bit cartoony? To that question, I offer an enthusiastic, hell yes! This miniseries from Paramount Plus could have easily been made as an animated feature in the mid-seventies by Hanna Barbera and voiced by such notables as Daws Butler, Casey Casem and Alan Reed.  Luckily for us, we’re treated to the next best thing:  Miles Teller as Albert Ruddy, Matthew Goode as Robert Evans, Dan Fogler as Francis Ford Coppola, not to mention Patrick Gallo as Mario Puzo. But it is the The scenery chewing performance of Giovanni Ribisi as Joe Columbo that is the icing on the cake of this masterpiece. Fuck the critics, this is truly must see streaming TV.
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Theatre Tales: A Mark Allen Mystery

4/29/2022

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At one time, Mark Allen was considered by some as a Portland Theatre Impresario. With popular dinner theatres in both Portland Oregon and Vancouver BC, he was one of the few producers in the Portland Metropolitan area at the time who claimed to pay his actors (I use the termed “pay” very loosely as I worked for him a year and can only recall one or two instances of ever receiving a paycheck). He appeared as a Woody Allen-type comic Schimel in hundreds of local commercials, hosted several radio shows in the fifties and was one of the first theatre companies to perform in the historic Coaster Theatre in Cannon Beach, Oregon. 
 
It was the early seventies and as a young actor, thirsting to prove my talent and mettle after a fresh jettison from a local community college theatre department, I auditioned and took my first acting job with Mark Allen and his dinner theatre company. The play was Norman is That You, a sort of gay, road show episode of Plaza Suite and was happy to call myself a paid working actor, I signed a contract for a six-month run in Vancouver BC. The show starred George Ross (Dr. Zoom from the KPTV kids cartoon show), me and a chap named Ed, (sorry can’t remember the last name) who, as I remember was sort of a cross between Baby Huey from the cartoons and Charles Nelson Riley. 
 
Being completely naive, I agreed to payment solely based on a percentage of the house. Let’s just say the during the entire run, the house won. Repeatedly. From the boards, the dinner tables always looked full and happy. Come payday, always at the end of the month, I was informed that the expense of running the show was conveniently getting in the way of a decent payoff. But to me, I was happy to be actor, happy to be away from home in a bordering foreign country, and happy to believe I was being paid actual money to learn my craft.
 
I believe the show ran in Portland a month or before I would complete my contract with the Neil Simon play God’s Favorite. A lesser-known work, the comedy was a modern retelling of Job that played on Broadway with Charles Nelson Riley. Having made my imagined millions, I made my exit from the theatre company and never looked back. 
 
 
The last I heard of Mark Allen was a story circulating in a Portland’s Willamette Week (a popular news weekly), regarding Mark, a wife and an irate husband and a baseball bat or a gun.  I am foggy on the particulars but as I remember ended up with Mark receiving a few bruises or stitches. Since then I have met others who have worked with Mark, my co-creator of Wild Space A Go Go, Kurt Misar, being chief among them.
 
When you search the web and Portland history, there are very few items regarding this Portland legend and local Max Bialystok. Mark Allen passed away in 2015.
 
Mark passed away in 2015
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Penguins Don't Smoke

4/22/2022

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​Just viewed The Batman and have to say, despite the almost three hours of running time, I thoroughly enjoyed it.  I do have one slight gripe and that is the mandate from DC on high that the one and only Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot would not be allowed to use any sort of tobacco product. WTF?
 
The Penguin is in part best known for smoking cigars in the Batman comic books, but Farrell's portrayal of him does not smoke. But that was not for lack of trying on the actor's part, despite Warner Bros. ' ban on smoking in a PG-13 movie.
 
Now, I can understand a hero not being allowed a cigarette, cigar, a vape or a chew, but what the hades? A villain? This is just crazy. I mean what better way to show a character morally comprised than by witnessing him attempting to impersonate the camel, Joe Cool.
 
Tony Soprano
Tony Montana
Kingpin
Fat Tony (The Simpsons)
Xenia Onatopp (Goldeneye)
Cigarette Smoking Man (X Files)
Spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
 
And of course:
 
Any tobacco chewing redneck (Any Which Way but Loose)
 
Think of the subtle nuance tobacco use adds to all these fine performances. Why think of Burgess Meredith’s own performance of The Penguin in the 1966 incarnation of Batman. The waddle and cackle would be useless without the smoldering butt in a cigarette holder jutting out between clenched teeth. 
 
Closing argument:
 
In the most recent the Batman, a corrupt city official is dispatched by having his head literally blasted off his body with the aid of an explosive device locked around his neck. Hey, DC, what kind of message are we sending the impressionable youngsters of today?  Hey, kids, heres’ a public service announcement from your friends at DC: Explosive decapitations are perfectly acceptable forms entertainment. But, stay away from those damn cancer sticks.  For god’s sake, someone could get hurt.
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Me: The Lesser Known Works

4/15/2022

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(1967 (L to R) J.P. Linde, Mark Smith and David Bryce in classic 6th grade western The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. It had been less than a year since Leone released his vision but at 13, I thought it was high time for a reimagining.)


Suffice to say, most of you know me as the non-award-winning author The Holographic Detective Agency, Son of Ravage and of course the little seen cult classic Axe to Grind. But there is more to my resume than these, and I am not referring to the vast treasure drove of literary masterpieces that have not had the benefit of seeing the light of day.
 
Like all great artists/writers, I had an “early period.” For me that period was between the years 1966 and 1969, between 12 and 15 years of age. In an effort to document these major works for posterity, I have created a detailed catalog of those lost pieces and provided a brief synopsis for each.
 
Man from U.N.C.L.E. (School Play, 1966). Based on the NBC series from Arena Productions and used without permission the play had a total running time of at least five minutes, featuring several male classmates. I played Ilia Kuryakin as I owned a turtleneck. One major fight scene with no female cast members.
 
Man from U.N.C.L.E: The Sequel Affair (School Play 1966). Based on the popularity of the initial outing, a sequel was written. We were lucky enough to have all the original cast return, although there were last minute salary negotiations for a kid named Mark who played Napoleon Solo. Again, the running time was just over five minutes and again, there were no female cast members.
 
Good, Bad and the Ugly, (8mm film 1967) Based on the Sergio Leone western and starring myself (Blondie), Mark Smith (Tuco), David Bryce (Angel Eyes). Paul Bryce and Mike Smith played all of the supporting roles. Running time 12 minutes and filmed on location in the Mount Hood National Forest.  An historic sidenote: A handwritten invitation to the film premiere was sent to esteemed actor (and star of the original) Eli Wallach, who sent a very nice typewritten letter declining the event. The film was first screened for a small but adoring public in the Linde Garage at 8730 NE Tillamook.
 
(There were other 8mm films that sadly never saw a release date. Among them, Untitled Sherlock Holmes, Krakatoa West of Java, Untitled Secret Agent Film and a homage to Fantastic Journey (filmed with the aid of a lava lamp and a Aurora model of the Flying Sub from Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea). Sadly filming was stopped on Fantastic Voyage when the model sunk in our above ground swimming pool.
 
And finally, there was:
 
Bewitched (The Spec Script) 1969. Not only was this based on the popular comedy of the time, but it also happened to be inspired mostly by my unrequited love for Elizabeth Montgomery. Like my love, the script was considered a solid pass and to this day, I will never know if it is because of content, character arc, dialogue or the fact that it was written on notebook paper with a Bic pen. 
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Peanuts, Crackerjacks and The Winds of War

4/8/2022

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Nothing says the start of baseball season than War in Europe. Some days I feel like I’m in the middle of a Herman Wouk novel. Or, at the very least, a television adaptation of the same starring Robert Mitchum. In the last five years, Americans have endured Donald Trump, a plague, the selling the collective souls of the entire Republican Party to ol’ Scratch, and now an escalating bloodshed in Europe. Time really does fly when life as you know it is in the shit bucket. Where in God’s name is Pug Henry when we need him?
 
At least the strike is over, and we have baseball, America’s pastime.
 
SF Giants season started on Friday with a game against the Marlins. Luckily for me, I have good Wi-Fi in both my bunker and my safe room. So, I’ll be dressed in the ol’ orange and black, in the duck and cover position, and ready for the first pitch.
 
And speaking of curve balls. As we raise the winning pennant for the National League, I will be thinking of none other than Ginni Thomas and more specifically:
 
18 USC Ch. 115: TREASON, SEDITION, AND SUBVERSIVE ACTIVITIES
From Title 18.
 
I won’t bother you with the appropriate punishment for violating this seldom utilized statute, but it is worth noting that violating this law contains a few recognizable actions of late. Including:
 
Sec.
 
2381.Treason.
2382.Misprision of treason.
2383.Rebellion or insurrection.
2384.Seditious conspiracy.
2385.Advocating overthrow of Government.
2386. Infield Fly rule
 
Okay, 2386 was a way of tying my rambling diatribe back to the subject. 

In closing: I pray for the end of a war!
 I long for real justice to those who provoked and performed treason!
 And, as my side plea,  here’s hoping that the San Francisco Giants go all the way!
 
Amen
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The Slap Happiest Place to Visit

4/2/2022

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​On my most recent visit to Los Angeles, I had the opportunity to visit the Academy Museum of Motion Pictures located on 6067 Wilshire Blvd. Located conveniently near the Los Angeles County Museum of Art, not to mention the LaBrea Tar Pits and the Peterson Automotive Museum, this most recent addition to the local arts scene is well worth it. Ticket prices are reasonable, parking extremely overpriced, but the five full floors of eye-popping exhibits can easily be turning your visit into a day long excursion. Along with a scenic view off the top of the sphere-shaped Geffen Theatre, there is a gift shop, restaurant/bar and a resonantly priced café.
 
Some of the highlights on our visit, were Backdrop: An Invisible Art, artist, and animator Hayao Miyazaki, and Stories of Cinema, exploring visual and sound aspects of some of the greatest films ever made.
 
There is a room solely dedicated to the more infamous Oscar moments. In lieu of most recent events, it will most likely need to be updated.
 
We had tickets to a 7:30 presentation of one of my personal favorite films, Dr. Zhivago, so between museum visit and film, we dashed off to Pink’s Hot Dogs for a couple of gut busting Drew Barrymore’s before returning for Lean’s Epic take on the Russian Revolution.  
 
The Geffen is an 1100 seat movie theatre and features top-notch presentations of some of the greatest films ever made. Some are for Academy Museum members only, but most are open to the public for a very reasonable admission. Upcoming presentations include Planet of the Apes, 2001: A Space Odyssey, The Big Chill and others. As a bonus, all films are introduced by experts in their respective fields.
 
The Academy Museum for Motion Pictures is a must-see for any serious film buff. Learn more at academymuseum.org
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Somebody looked at my Linkedin profile and my STARmeter was showing

3/26/2022

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“Business Owner in the Entertainment Industry from Los Angeles Metropolitan Area Viewed My Profile.”
 
Just for the record, I always assume the best possible scenario when something like this happens. Maybe Steven Spielberg read my blog a few weeks back disparaging West Side Story and wants to sue me. Hey, stranger things have happened.
 
But what does a LinkedIn notification that someone has viewed your profile even mean? Should I be excited or regelate this to the importance of my STARmeter rating on IMDB Pro? 
 
(Not that anyone cares, but I do happen to have a 125,731 uptick from last week. But what does that even mean? I wish I knew. If I did, I would fill you all in.)
 
Re: STARmeter
 
According to Goggle STARmeter rating is based on:
 
STARmeter, MOVIEmeter, and COMPANYmeter are rankings of every person, title and company in IMDb and only available on IMDbPro. STARmeter, MOVIEmeter, and COMPANYmeter provide industry professionals with insights into the popularity of film and television productions as well as the people and companies that make them.
 
If I could hazard a guess, I would say that my personal STARmeter is up because I attach it to all show business type emails. Any job that I am applying for, contains the link. So this would more than likely have something to do with it.
 
Now, as for the LinkedIn visit from an industry professional in the Los Angeles Metropolitan area, your guess is as good as mine. Hopefully it is not a stalker and someone who is actually interested in my work. Let’s hope so.
 
But I think we can all agree that while not absolutely necessary, a LinkedIn profile and a IMDB Pro can be helpful in getting your name out there. And you have to admit, it certainly beats standing out in front of Paramount front gate with a cardboard sign that reads, “Screenwriter Needs Work.”  Although, to be honest, I have heard of that working as well.
 
Oh, and be sure to drop by my IMDB Pro Page. My STARmeter will thank you.
 
https://www.imdb.com/name/nm3354986/
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Freelance Writing for Students by Emily Graham

3/19/2022

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Being a Student and a Freelancer at the Same TimeBeing a student and working toward a degree can be a stressful and time-consuming task, and you may find it difficult to balance schoolwork with a full-time schedule. Freelancing can be an excellent way to make money, and it offers much more time flexibility than a traditional part-time job. You can do freelance writing from the comfort of your home or dorm room, and you can improve your skills along the way. Today’s blog post on JPLinde.com takes a look at how you can balance studying and freelancing.
Starting a Freelance Writing BusinessBefore you start writing and taking on clients, it’s a good idea to officially start your business by applying for a business license and an EIN number (employer identification number). Your freelancing income comes with state and federal tax obligations, so make sure you’re registered with your state and the IRS to avoid monetary and legal headaches. Creating an official LLC for your business also makes you appear more legitimate in the eyes of potential clients, which can make it easier to attract new business.
Set Up Your WorkspaceHaving a dedicated space where you can work will go a long way toward helping you remain productive and focused throughout the day. This area can be a corner of a room with a desk and chair or a spare bedroom you’ve turned into an office — whatever works for you. However, make sure this space is free of distractions that could disrupt your workflow. Also, keep everything well-organized; clutter can make things feel chaotic, which increases stress and anxiety levels. What’s more, a tidy space just feels better!
Finding Your First ClientsIt can be challenging to figure out who to write for and where to write for them when you first start your business. Start by considering what your potential niches may be because those are the easiest topics for you to write about. If you like arts and crafts, sports, or science, for example, you can start off looking for websites or publications that may be able to use your services. Some companies connect you with potential clients. Also, consider expanding your horizons to topics you may not have previously considered. This can increase your earning potential as long as you do quality work.
Grow Your KnowledgeIt’s a good idea to increase your knowledge of writing mechanics and learn more about the topics you’re interested in writing about. You can take online or in-person classes to brush up on your grammatical skills or learn more about the freelance writing business in general. You may also consider working for a writing company to get your feet wet before officially heading off to be a freelancer. That arrangement may be more suitable if you’ve already finished school.
Getting Clients Interested in YouProspective clients want to know they can depend on you to provide quality material, and they want to trust in you and your abilities before hiring you for a gig. It’s a good idea to set up an online profile where they can find you and read about your qualifications and areas of experience as well as your special niches. Consider engaging with your ideal clients directly by sending them introductory emails or other materials, and think about attending events where those interested in your services may gather.
Make a Great Living Doing What You LoveIf you’re willing to expand your knowledge of the freelance writing industry and gain experience working for clients in your niche, you can make great money writing part-time or even full-time once you’re finished with school. Don’t be discouraged by the difficulty of breaking in. With practice and dedication, you can become a favorite of your ideal clients.

Emily Graham is the creator of Mighty Moms. She believes being a mom is one of the hardest jobs around and wanted to create a support system for moms from all walks of life. On her site, she offers a wide range of info tailored for busy moms -- from how to reduce stress to creative ways to spend time together as a family.

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     ​In 1981, J.P. Linde co-wrote and appeared in a one-man comedy show titled “Casually Insane.”  Shortly after, he joined the ranks of stand-up comedy and performed in clubs and colleges throughout the United States and Canada.  In 1989, he made his national television debut on “Showtime’s Comedy Club Network.”  He wrote the libretto for the musical comedy “Wild Space A Go Go” and co-wrote and co-produced the feature motion picture, “Axe to Grind.”  “Son of Ravage” is his second novel.

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