​Can I just get this off my chest right now? I hate waiting. I am most likely the least patience person on the entire planet. Add to the fact that I am almost always chronically early, and you have a recipe for disaster. Now, creatively these two attributes can spell death to a creative career. Why, right up there in the pantheon of Hollywood lingo with “There’s no business, like show business,” and “did my agent happen to call?”, are “just hang in there,” and, of course, this chestnut, “hurry up and wait.”
 
To the purveyors of such nonsense, I freely offer the following feedback, “fuck off.”
 
Time, unlike bullshit, is finite. Waiting is a young man, or woman’s, game. Not for those of us of a specific age.
 
However, there are some examples of patience being its own reward for the AARP set.
 
At age 82, Christopher Plummer won an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor.
 
At age 77, John Glenn was the oldest person ever to go into space.
 
In his golden years, Albert Einstein once used a $1500 dollar check from the Rockefeller Foundation as a bookmark and then lost the book.
 
Well, that last one might be a step backwards.
 
At age 65, Colonel Sanders discovered he could harden the arteries of millions of otherwise healthy Americans by deep frying fowl. Decades later, the company he founded would invent a sandwich with two chicken breasts substituting for the bread.
 
Unfortunately, these stories of senior success do not go on and on. In fact, I think we are all out. Zip. Nada. Nothing. So, as you can clearly see, being patient is a waste of time. I suggest you get on that phone, call somebody, yell at them at the top of your lungs, informing them that you are running out of time. Tell them it is only a matter of time before you fall and break your hip and that you are tired of doing crossword puzzles to improve mental cognizance. If you are loud and insistent enough, they may just put you in a home with other like-minded individuals. That won’t be so bad, will it. I understand that Tuesdays and Thursdays are tapioca night.
 
 Until next time, America!

So, I am reading Stephen King’s The Stand for the 3rd time. My Captain Tripps history goes back over 40 years, reading it for the first time in 1978. Twenty years passed, and the complete and unabridged version had just been released so naturally, I had to read it again. Thirty years later and and this will be my 3rd time (again the complete version) for Linde Family Book Club (which meets by phone every other Sunday at 4 pm if you’re interested in becoming a member). To say this opus of horror is one of my favorite books is an understatement. To say it is one of my favorite novels, might be. For the record, East of Eden by John Steinbeck is my favorite novel. I hate to get all nitpicky, but I think there is a fundamental difference between favorite book and novel and that’s what we are going to explore today on snob corner. 
 
For sheer literary beauty, Steinbeck’s novel is unsurpassed. The prose is nothing short of hypnotic and the story is so rooted in the human condition that you can’t help but learn about yourself and your fellow man. Grapes of Wrath was once my favorite novel as was Cannery Row but, that is the wonderful thing about favorite authors and novels, they can change depending on age, status or mood.
 
But King’s classic story of good versus evil remains a book I can’t help returning to. The Stand is just a damn good yarn, pure and simple and there is no shame in preferring it over other literary giants. Hey, don’t get me wrong. There is some damn good character work in King’s work as well. M-O-O-N that spells good character work. 
 
I find myself drawn into the story easily because it has one foot grounded firmly in reality while the other languishes about freely in King’s fertile imagination. The Stand is mythic in structure and holds one’s interest from page one. High praise indeed. There are only two other books that I have read as often. Each are about as long and of both, I would say the same things. If you are interested, they are Lord of the Rings by J.R.R Tolkien and Herman Wouk’s The Winds of War. These two also happen to share certain things in common. Both are damn fine yarns (one based in history), both are epic in scope and both concern the battle between the forces of good and evil. 
 
So, Linde, what’s the big diff between greatest novel or greatest book? Or are you just a snob? Well, I am definitely a snob but let me try and break it down in just one single one line of King’s prose. 
 
And I am quoting directly here:
 
“Baby can you dig your man?”
 
Do I need to go on?
 
“He is a righteous man!” 
 
I think this one quote sums up my entire argument. It’s not a big deal really. Afterall, the lyric of Larry Underwood’s hit song is merely a device to get Larry from nobody to somebody, to survivor of a global pandemic. However, my guess is the total time it took the author to come up with this lyric must have been a literal nano second. 
 
I am only suggesting that the author of what I consider to be the greatest novel may have taken a bit more time before settling on the above choice.
 
But…
 
When you are concentrating on telling a great story, you do not always have to spend hours finding the perfect words to tell it. Hell, that may even slow you down. The choice merely has to be not so glaring that it takes you completely out of the story. There are thousands of such examples in literally hundreds of Kings’ other stories and yet they are some of the most popular that have ever been written. And, for good reason. Sometimes word (or lyric) choice is not all that important when writing a book that was meant to be read three times. 

​Look, I will be honest, I don’t get offered that much work to turn down. It’s not like producers and directors are beating down the doors of our Windsor abode to capitalize on my writing talent. On the one hand, while it may not be the most satisfying of careers, it certainly makes it much easier when it comes to filing my taxes. Recently, I received an offer to write another ultra, low budget horror film and, gasp, here are the following reasons for me saying no. 
 
I should qualify all this by saying that I have not formally said no but have made a list of demands that will most likely will not be met.  So, just what exactly does it take for J.P. Linde to turn down a job or at least make a list of demands that will never, ever be met?
 
I am glad you asked.
 

1. A script that can’t possibly be saved. Now, I am of a firm belief that almost anyone can find redemption. For the written word, I am not so sure. Sometimes you stumble across something written so poorly, that there is no way you can make it even remotely watchable. Some would say that Axe to Grind is one such script and who am I to argue? Hell, I might even agree. In my defense, I would only say, I had one week, and you should have seen what I had to work with. But sometimes, you come across something that can’t be saved, and you simply have to zip up the body bag and get on with your life.
2. Low, low money. Hey, if I am going to work in the sewers, I want to be paid. Very simple really. I have taken some very lousy jobs, some for even lousier money. But, with each on time completion, I value myself and my work a little bit more and my price goes up. Dave Anderson, comedian, broadcast journalist and radio talk show host, was right. Never fall below what you were paid for your last job. 
3. Full credit for what you’ve done. There are some hyphenates (Producer-Writers) who are resistant to sharing credit. Add to this that the more lacking in talent they are, the worst they are willing to share credit. If they were so damn good, the director would not be coming to you last minute to save the damn thing. Two words. Fuck them!
4. I doubt very much that anyone here would accept a job writing speeches for Donald Trump. It is very much the same when accepting rewrite jobs. If you can’t in good conscience work on it, by all means say so. It just isn’t worth the amount of time wrestling with your conscience on why you took the job in the first place. 
5. Realistic expectations aka silk purse out of sow’s ear. If you are expecting a Golden Globe nomination for The Lighthouse Keeper 2, good on you. Who am I to stomp your dreams all to hell? But when you do come out of the coma, realize that one job leads to another and with each time you open Final Draft, you are getting that much bit better.

 
Okay, that is all I have to say on this subject. I would add a customary you tube video here but to be honest, I am not sure what would pair nicely.
 
Let’s try this.

​Hello all!  I thought we would take a break from me bitching about current events and go over some notable documentaries that are currently streaming. Three out of the four are great and worth a look. Without further ado, let’s get started
 
Belushi (Showtime) Fair and balanced reporting of the life and tragic death of a major comedic performer and star by the people who knew him best. From his early childhood in Wheaton IL to his last tragic days alone at the Chateau Marmont, this accounting never holds back at a career that made such a major impression in television and movie audiences the late 70’s. Definitely worth checking out.
 
The Go Gos (Showtime) A documentary for all those who doubt the contribution of this groundbreaking female band. Even though their contribution to the overall music scene was short lived, their influence continues to live on. This film follows the humble beginnings of these punk wannabes as they form their own band and move from opening act to headliners in what the industry would consider record time.  As with Belushi we do get a fairly good look what sudden fame, drugs and infighting can do to a career. Come for the music, stay for some glances at truly sad examples of plastic surgery.
 
Murder on Middle Beach (HBO). Maddening in that it could have been a bit shorter and that we never truly uncover the true killer of Barbie Beach, instead spending the overall length of episodes merely muddying up the waters of what truly happened. Was it the father? Was it the sister of the victim? Was it the daughter? As an audience we deserve more that, we may never know. What is, however, truly inspiring about this doc, is the work of the documentarian, Madison Hamburg, as the sifts through all of the maddening scenarios of what could have happened. 
 
Fear City: New York vs The Mafia. Finally, a documentary where Rudy Guiliani does not have his hands in his pants. This is an extremely interesting recounting of the fight of a major city to uncover the tentacles to the major crime families and how they were initially brought to justice through wiretapping and the brave men and women of the justice department who live to talk about themselves. Again, easily two episodes and thirty minutes too long.
 

See you all next week!