​You just got the good news and find out you will be spending the next couple of months, doing what you do for eight excruciating hours/5 days a week in an office. Now you get the opportunity to transfer all of that fun and excitement to the privacy of your own home. Replacing your boss, will be your wife and replacing your constantly annoying co-workers, will be your needy children and pets. Well, don’t panic. I have some surefire ways to keep you sane in these problematic and challenging times. Let’s just say you’re welcome.
 
We haven’t got much time and I really need to get your started before you ditch me and replace your time with cross-referencing humorous memes on Facebook.

​#1 - Work from the privacy of your bathroom. It has everything you need (usually has a tub, shower and toilet) and, most importantly, it has a lock on the door. Granted, this may not be practical if you only have one bathroom in the house, but you can always have the wife and kids use the backyard. If it is good enough for the pets, it’s certainly good enough for the kiddos. BTW, the sink counter makes an excellent standing desk which is very important for good posture and a healthy lifestyle. Again, no thanks necessary.

​#2 - Dress successful, but only from the waste up. Thanks to web conferencing, no one needs to be up in your business. Screw them. What they don’t see below the belt, won’t hurt them. I recommend only a nice long turtleneck. It’s always stylish and in the privacy of your office toilet, very convenient. 

#3 - Speaking of video conferencing, you’re going to need plenty of bandwidth, Unfortunately, so will your neighbors. Streaming 15 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy may just rob you of precious resources you’ll need to be heard and seen in vital work conversations.  Do yourself a favor and learn your neighbor’s WIFI passwords. This can be achieved by one of those required good neighbor “check-in” phone calls you’ve been hearing a lot about. Take plenty of notes, you’ll need them to hack into their accounts. 

​#4 - Stay Curious and Distractible. It’s gotten you this far in life, why not use this unique talent to your advantage. Make a list of what needs to get done during the day and then take an hour or two off to go find something to eat. If you’re like me, most of your food is now laying around in the garage waiting to be disinfected. If you do it right, this little chore can take at least full two hours. Nothing helps settle the mind better than eating bread out of the bag while playing with your Beebe gun.
 
#6 - Remember, the end of your workday and respect it. My workday happens to end 15 minutes after I get started. Taking the required time off for lunch and breaks happens to put me in a one-and-a-half-hour deficit each day. This can be extra stressful if you are not sure how to deal with it. And this will be a problem later on when you happen to be filling out your timecard. I keep mine next to the roll of toilet paper in my office, so I always know where to find it.
 

​#7 - And finally, get yourself a hobby. Mine is three underground tunnels affectionately named Tom, Dick and Harry. They all go 10 feel down directly beneath the bathtub, veering off in separate directions. Tom leads to the nearest Popeye’s Chicken. Dick proceeds due North towards the Oregon border and Harry leads to the nearest Emergency Room at the new Sutter Hospital. I figure if I never use them, I can always lease then to El Chapo.
 
Well, that’s about it for this week.  Just remember. It’s not hoarding if nobody recognizes you at Costco. 
 

Okay, a very special announcement: We have a special guest next week!  Angela McKennie has been making people laugh for years. She’s a Director/Producer, a writer and playwright. Her observations are always hilarious, and I know that you will enjoy her guest blog as much I will.  Tell everyone to log on and make her feel welcome. 
 
​Until Next week!

​As a public service, I have created a list of extra fun activities to keep you and your family occupied during this pandemic.

#1 Celebrity Corona Virus Bingo - Create cards with pictures of your favorite celebrities five down and five across. Have someone follow Facebook or Twitter, announcing hourly celebrities that have come down with the virus. When you get five in a row in any direction, (Tom Hanks, Rita Wilson, Idris Elba, Olga Kurylenko and the dude from Game of Thrones), yell out at the top of your lungs, “Celebrity Corona Virus Bingo!” 

#2 An Ol’ Fashioned Family Cold and Flu Medicine Spody-Ody. Fill up any quart sized container with a liquid cold and flu medicines along with a generous portion of ice. Turn on Fox news and take a chug every time a news host or hostess informs you that this will all be over by the end of March.

#3 Porn. This ‘ol standby has been keeping people inside their houses and locked in their rooms for years. If Pee-Wee Herman and Fred Willard had a room, a computer and access to the internet, they would not have the reputations they share today (Joke courtesy of Albert Brooks).

#4. Give your cat a shower. This old standby is always good for a few laughs and stiches. No kitty burrito here. This is where we separate the men from the pussies. If you don’t have a cat, any possum, raccoon or rat will do in pinch. 

#3. Troll Vanessa Hudgens "Til July sounds like a bunch of bulls**t. I'm sorry. But like, it's a virus. I get it. Like, I respect it, but at the same time, like, even if everybody gets it... like, yea, people are going to die, which is terrible, but like inevitable." We all know what she meant, right? Wrong! She meant what she said. And you can just as easily mean what you say when you address her on her official Twitter account @VanessaHudgens

#2. Attempt to get a refund from American Airlines. This challenge is not for the squeamish. It will take, will, determination and the heart of a champion. Remember, no vouchers allowed. You’re playing for cold, hard cash. If you like losing in Vegas, you’ll love this game. As they say in Vegas, “Good luck.”
 
#1. Stream Anything and Everything. From Friends to all seasons of Columbo you can fuck up everyone working from home in five-mile radius. And the best part, they will never know it is you. I mean, God forbid you should ever have to pick up a book. That’s right, you can relive the historic break up of Ross and Rachel and screw your neighbor at the same time. What better way to say to the world, fuck off I am catching up on Outlander. Or you can just continue to watch the Dow slide. It’s like watching tourists go over the final plunge on Splash Mountain at Disneyland. And the excited screams of the panicked patrons is actually the sound of your suddenly devalued 401 K and retirement.  It’s entirely up to you.
 
Well, that’s my post from the new America. Keep your friends close and your toilet paper closer. Until next week. Oh, and be sure and wave to the soldiers as they rumble past your house in the dead of the night. Remember, Guardsmen need love too.

Wash your goddamn hands. It doesn’t take a genius to know that we are in a damn shitty situation that is going to get a hell of a lot worse. And, there are things you can do to protect yourselves and loved ones. Besides washing your hands, not touching your face and standing at least an arms-length from the person you are talking to, you can also do this: You can stay at home and hunker the hell down for a few weeks. You will flatten the rise of the virus and you can catch up on your reading. Today we look at:
 
The Holographic Detective Agency. 
 
Soloman Fisk is a brilliant recluse who has made a name for himself among the middle-aged male ultra-wealthy…by coercing home their philandering trophy wives.  His secret?  A holographic stable of deceased celebrity icons and imposing historical figures that are so utterly real, the Missus can’t wait to go home.
 
When mysterious ninja-like wraiths snatch software giant Aaron Gaines at a Las Vegas trade show, the quirky detective is called in.  But Gaines is no stranger to Soloman:  the two were once business partners before falling out.  Now the FBI regards Soloman as chief suspect; a 300-pound cross-dressing mob enforcer wants him whacked; and his only clue is the wife of the victim – a long-lost love he’s not entirely sure he can trust.  
 
What the hell? You can order this on Amazon and never leave the house? Damn straight! You can even order it on your Kindle and save yourself a trip the louse-infected world that we live in. If you are a fan of John Wayne, Dino, Mark Twain, J. Edgar Hoover, Howard Hughes, Bugsy Siegel or comedian J.P. Linde than this is the book for you.
 
Happy reading, stay safe and we will see you next week!
 

NEWS FLASH: The coming Apocalypse has been rescheduled for April 21st, 2020. Please do not panic. While toilet paper, rubber gloves, face masks and Purel will be in short supply, there will still be plenty of Hostess pastry products available for people who wish to take a slower approach to the end of the world. Remember, wash your hands for at least 20 seconds, please do not touch your face, cough into your elbows and whenever possible keep a copy Son of Ravage by J.P. Linde (available at Amazon, all independent bookstores and at Walmart.com) 

​We’ll start off this week's odds and ends with books and a little gem that has been on the bestseller lists for a while. The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern is nothing short of enchanting. This adult Harry Potter is that rare read that manages to achieve magical without having to try to hard. The characters are believable and whole, and the plot is mesmeringly entertaining. A book that make you forget the time and place that we find ourselves in, is rare indeed. I heartily recommend it. On the Hollywood front, a screenplay has been written and Geremy Jasper (Patti Cake$, ShortBus) will be directing for the Lionsgate production.
 

​There is a a lot of good television out there right now and I’m not quite sure where to start. But what the hell, right? As Sir Edmund Hillary’s loyal Sherpa, Tenzing Norgay, was fond of saying: “A mother fucker has got to start somewhere.”
 

​Narcos (Season 5/Mexico, Season 2) promises to be another wild ride. As Diego Lunas character becomes more isolated, smokes more cigarettes and drinks more, you just know that something really bad is just around the corner. I am only a few episodes in and already know that I am in for one hell of a ride. 




​
Despite what the critics might have said, The Crown, season 2, is as memorable as the first. Stand-out performances are plentiful, particularly Oliva Coleman (Elizabeth), Helena Bonham Carter (Margaret), Tobias Menzies, (Phillip) and the perpetually uncomfortable, hands in pockets Josh O’ Connor as Bilbo Baggins. Sorry, of course I meant Frodo Baggins. Whoopsie, can’t help myself. He’s really Charles.   
 
Parasite. Finally saw it and now fully understand what all the buzz is about. This, my friends, is filmmaking at its finest. Fully fleshed characters and a fascinating plot with plenty of twists and turns that will constantly keep you guessing. Suburb pacing by director Bong Joon-Ho and a cast that seems very rooted in the emerging class struggle taking place in South Korea.   

Gripe of the week: The CGI dog from the trailer of Call of the Wild. Did they ever fix this or does this poor mutt suffer the same fate as Taylor Swift in Cats? I don’t know what looks worse, Harrison Ford or the computer-generated dog with the eerily creepy eyes. Were the boys in the special effects lab, so obsessed with making the dog character identifiable that they decided to give it human eyeballs? And why not use a real dog? Not sure what happened here, but I will not be seeing this cartoon version of one of my favorite classics. Comedy may be hard, but adapting Jack London is harder. 

Pictured: Harrison Ford and CGI dog from Call of the Wild.

Finally, the Broadway adaption of John Carney’s Sing Street is set to open March 26. And here’s a clip for all of those who were hoping they would not mess this up.
​

​And now your little hint for next week’s blog.
 
“I’m your huckleberry.”