First, a hearty pat on my own back that I was actually able to wrap this topic up in two installments. I had no idea that this particular topic was going to end the way it did. It's quite sad really, and I still haven't quite gotten over a memory from 25 years ago. Anyway, without further intro, this week’s conclusion to The Worst Client.
 
Here is where it gets kind of tricky so pay attention. This is where you learn the difference between a good client and a very bad one. 
 
Rule #1: Pay no attention to what anyone says about anything. You know that old “what opinions are like and that everyone has one,” right? Well, that holds doubly true in Show Business. 
 
What really threw me for a loop was that the critique of said agent was thrown out at my first meeting after my move. Instead of shrugging it off, I let the comment eat at me. There are literally thousands of production companies in LA. Why let the opinion of one threaten a potential relationship with an agent.
 
Rule #2: Nobody is going to fawn all over you. Especially a new agent. Get over it. 
 
So, I sucked up the comment and went back, delivering a 2nd screenplay that I thought would seal any potential misgivings that the agent might have of me. We sat in her office, had a very pleasant conversation in which was finished by me presenting her with my newest screenplay. She looked it over quickly and announced, “This quotation should really have its own page.”  How dare her, right? Could she at least read it first before passing such a horrendous comment? Truth be told, I was incensed. Truth number two, she was right.
 
Rule #3. Pick up the goddamn phone when she calls. Whatever the reason, if an agent calls you, that is a good thing! 
 
So, it was the nineties, right? I had an internet addiction and was online constantly. My agent had this miraculous phone service that would break my dial-up phone connection so that I could call her back. Obviously, she wanted to get in touch with me. And, just as obvious I never called her back.  Be available. If you are lucky and opportunity does strike, you have to be there to answer the phone. I was not.
 
Rule #4: Fear of Failure is a real thing. 
 
It is funny how you can want something so bad and mess it up so bad when you almost get it. I certainly have that. It is something that I struggle with to this day. I have a hard time being in a room with people who are more successful than I am. I am sure self-esteem has something to do with it and that is something we can all use a little work on. You are not alone. So, if you find yourself in this position, suck it up and struggle through. I know it is easier said than done. But, in doing this, you may find yourself turning from very bad client to an extremely good one.
 
And, Caren, if you are reading this out there, I am truly sorry.

​Rest in Peace Caren Bohrman (November 18, 2012). I didn’t know her all that well, but she honestly tried with me and in this business that is saying something.

​Hopefully my comments regarding Agents haven’t been too snarky as agents and/or managers will be a very important part of your career. My hope is that my own blunders will keep you from making some of my mistakes. And believe me, when it comes to literary representation, I have made a few. So, let’s dive a bit deeper and talk about the other side of the relationship. Let’s talk bad clients. Now, I am nowhere near the worst, but I do have a story that illustrates perfectly that there are two sides to every relationship.
 
How many agents have I had in the course of my writing career? Well, I have officially signed with two. Unofficially, there have been others. For the most part, they had been brief relationships; wham, bam, never hear from them again, scram. There was an exception, someone who wanted to assist me in the greatest way, only to have my own ineptitude and insecurity get in the way.  Sounds tragic, I know. But you have to admit, it does have the makings for a great story.

​It was the nineties and America Online was the rage. One of the chats I frequented, besides, Men who Prefer Diapers, was Screenwriter’s Chat. The forum took place every Friday between 7 and 9pm and was frequented by such notables as Tom Clancy (yes, really), Nora Ephron (yes, really) and others. I’d mention the attendees who are still alive but, well, you know how that goes. The chats were always fun and the chance to network with real, honest to goodness paid writers was fantastic. A husband and wife team, who had quite a bit of success and even more after I met them, had agreed to read my work. To make a long story short, they liked what they saw and let me know if ever I got down to Los Angeles, they would introduce me to their agent. 

​Fresh off the success of my Dennison’s the Stand-up Chili Campaign (yes, really), I moved to Hermosa Beach, California; where everything show business related in the city is at least an hour away. I met the screenwriting couple in Pasadena (two hours away) for coffee and conversation. My screenplay had forwarded to their agent in West Hollywood and I met her shortly after. It went well. She both liked the script and seemed to have an interest in what I was doing as a writer. So far so good, right? Well let’s backtrack just a bit.
 
Shortly before I made the transition to part-time Angelino, I had arranged a meeting with a production company at Warner Brothers concerning the exact same screenplay. I arrived promptly at the appropriate bungalow (same office building as Clint Eastwood’s Malpaso Productions), witnessed the iconic actor’s hands on the steering wheel of his vehicle (that’s all I saw, I swear), and settled in for a spirited discussion on the merits of my work.

​The meeting was attending by two story executives and, for the most part, went well. They loved the pitch, liked the scripts but felt it needed a more thorough rewrite. I agreed and informed them that they would have another draft by the end of the month. As we parted, they asked if I had representation and I announced proudly that I had nothing yet but was working on it. I swear to god, the last words of the executive’s mouth, were:
 
“as long as it isn’t (insert the name of the literary agent I met with here). She is the one person in this town that we will never to work with.”
 
Da-da-da!
 
(to be continued)

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."

This week's blog comment comes from the worst department:

​“It looks like you've misspelled the word "glamourous" on your website. I thought you would like to know :). Silly mistakes can ruin your site's credibility. I've used a tool called SpellDoc.com in the past to keep mistakes off of my website. -Kerri”
 

(An authentic artist's rendering of Kerri

I want to thank Kerri for her candid, illuminating and thought-provoking comments. For the record, I do want to point out that the word glamorous has not been used in any one of my blogs (either recent or past). Therefore, I can only come to the conclusion that you, Kerri, are a sinister Russian bot, attempting to overthrow our precious American Republic by insidiously undermining all that we hold dear…up to and including our right to free and unhindered elections and for misspelled words whether real or imagined. So there, go back to Russia, Comrade Kerri or whatever your Russian troll bot name is!

​Okay, so where we go. Confession time. I have two agents. Well, to be more precise, I have two agencies representing my work. To add to this quandary, I am pretty sure that neither agency knows about the other. To be clear, these two great literary houses are competitors, have been around for decades. And here is the humiliating part, if they did know, I doubt that they would really care. You see, they are not representing me the writer. They are representing some of the work of me. Scripts and concepts as opposed to a real person. Would I like a warm handoff to an agent, introducing myself as well as my work? You betcha! Will it happen in the near future? Most likely not. Not until either screenplay or concept/show sells. Such is my celebrated life on the fringes of show business.
 
Backstory 101.  Two years back I entered into an arrangement with a director; someone I admire and who had some recognition as a Hollywood auteur. He and I entered into an agreement to turn one of my screenplays into a feature. If produced, it could end up anywhere, whether it be cable, streaming service, etc. It really is no surprise that this person cares a great deal more about my story than they do about my career. But, again, this is to be expected. I have asked politely for said handoff/introduction and it has never happened. I will not push it for it is not my way. Besides, if said story ever his produced, I will have leverage and will most likely get that sought-after referral. Let’s call this agency ICM Partners (International Creative Management). Oh hell, who am I kidding? Let’s call it who it really is. 

Backstory 201. Several months back, I worked with a producing team on several opportunities. If you’ve been paying attention, you’ll more than likely know who I’m talking about. If you don’t, I’ll just keep the anonymity going for a bit longer. They are actually the flip side of the story above. They have a bit of heat, due to a popular project and were nice enough to bring me aboard to provide some literary talent to other projects. They are currently being represented by house number two, CAA (Creative Artists Agency). While not all of the projects submitted by the producer have my name attached, one does.
 
There you have it. Two great houses and one so-so writer. Actually, as stated, I doubt they even give a damn. But I did find it ironic and worth noting. The point of the rambling story is this. Whatever gets you there, my friends. There has never been any real normal in my writing career. Hopefully, your career path will be far less dramatic, and you’ll encounter far smoother sailing. I guess I prefer the more time-consuming stupefying approach to a writing career. After all, as they keep telling us in every volume of our writing books, it’s not the journey but the destination. Not such a bad cliché when you are talking about my career.
 
Until next time!