​Seems like everyone now a has a one man show. Hell, back in the very early eighties I had one. It was appropriately titled, Casually Insane and I still have my clippings if you’re interested. But I bet you didn’t know that at the twilight of his career, Roderick George Toombs, aka Rowdy Roddy Piper, wanted to try his hand at one. See? I thought not.
 
Well, sit back and relax, because if you are a wrestling fan, a J.P. Linde fan or a follower of self-promoting, self-indulging, narcissistic stories starring down and out wrestlers and comedian/writers, this may very well be the story for you.
 
Unlike many of you, I watched WWF wrestling rarely.  To say that I was fully aware of the entire colorful cast of characters that somehow managed to bring down an entire civilization would be an exaggeration. But, thanks to a Cindy Lauper, I was aware of some of the key players and Rowdy Roddy Piper happened to be one of them. 
 
So, when I got the call, along with Art Krug, co-writer and creator of our two man show Dumped and Divorced, that Roddy was looking for collaborators, I jumped at the chance. Nothing makes for a quicker fan than a potential job and paycheck. There would be five of us at the creative summit including myself, Art, Barry Kolin, the producer, and the man himself, the star of They Live, Rowdy Roddy Piper.
 
Roddy showed up fashionably late, with a drink in his hand, a chemically enhanced gleam in his eye and a perpetual sniffle in his nose. He looked a bit tired and haggard but enthusiastically pitched his idea. He immediately regaled us with colorful stories and anecdotes from his past. He handed us each a copy of his autobiography for research and documentation and so we were hooked.
 
The goal was to book the show in comedy clubs, testing the material out and then opening it up to larger venues. We would all be rich, Roddy told us, this was a going to be a surefire hit.
 
I had not yet officially retired from comedy and here is where the rubber hit the road. For the time being Art and I would not be paid for our writing services but would open up for the famed wrestler warming up the audience for a fee. I was to be last comedian on stage, introducing Roddy to the crowd. 
 
And now, here is the reason that Art and I never wrote a one man show for Roddy Piper. Roderick turned to me and with a coca enhanced grin, announced that after I brought him up on stage, he would lift me high over his head and throw me into the tables at least four feet below. “Don’t worry,” he concluded. “I will teach you how to land.”
 
Being thrown off a stage that is five feet off the ground is one thing, not being paid is quite another. Being much bigger than us, and cruising on god knows what combination of chemicals exactly, Art and I gracefully excused ourselves and later, when we were quite sure that Roddy did not know where we lived, declined the offer.
 
Someone else ended up taking on this prestigious job, but tryouts at the comedy club did not go well as Roddy was incapable of holding his train of thought for more than a few minutes. Sad, really.
 
The world of professional wrestling is a relatively short-lived career. A good portion of wrestlers crash and burn after being exploited by a system that seems to deal in tragedy. Some stories are even sadder than that of Roderick George Toombs. Before Toombs died, he got the chance on HBO Real Sports to finally tell his story, the real story; to talk about his life, his sport, the high price he paid and even predicting his own death. If only he had been well enough to share his real story with myself and Art. That would have been a one man show worth talking about.
 
“For over a thousand years Roman conquerors returning from the wars enjoyed the honor of triumph, a tumultuous parade. In the procession came trumpeters, musicians and strange animals from conquered territories, together with carts laden with treasure and captured armaments. The conqueror rode in a triumphal chariot, the dazed prisoners walking in chains before him. Sometimes his children robed in white stood with him in the chariot or rode the trace horses. A slave stood behind the conqueror holding a golden crown, and whispering in his ear a warning: that all glory is fleeting.”
 

​Can I just get this off my chest right now? I hate waiting. I am most likely the least patience person on the entire planet. Add to the fact that I am almost always chronically early, and you have a recipe for disaster. Now, creatively these two attributes can spell death to a creative career. Why, right up there in the pantheon of Hollywood lingo with “There’s no business, like show business,” and “did my agent happen to call?”, are “just hang in there,” and, of course, this chestnut, “hurry up and wait.”
 
To the purveyors of such nonsense, I freely offer the following feedback, “fuck off.”
 
Time, unlike bullshit, is finite. Waiting is a young man, or woman’s, game. Not for those of us of a specific age.
 
However, there are some examples of patience being its own reward for the AARP set.
 
At age 82, Christopher Plummer won an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor.
 
At age 77, John Glenn was the oldest person ever to go into space.
 
In his golden years, Albert Einstein once used a $1500 dollar check from the Rockefeller Foundation as a bookmark and then lost the book.
 
Well, that last one might be a step backwards.
 
At age 65, Colonel Sanders discovered he could harden the arteries of millions of otherwise healthy Americans by deep frying fowl. Decades later, the company he founded would invent a sandwich with two chicken breasts substituting for the bread.
 
Unfortunately, these stories of senior success do not go on and on. In fact, I think we are all out. Zip. Nada. Nothing. So, as you can clearly see, being patient is a waste of time. I suggest you get on that phone, call somebody, yell at them at the top of your lungs, informing them that you are running out of time. Tell them it is only a matter of time before you fall and break your hip and that you are tired of doing crossword puzzles to improve mental cognizance. If you are loud and insistent enough, they may just put you in a home with other like-minded individuals. That won’t be so bad, will it. I understand that Tuesdays and Thursdays are tapioca night.
 
 Until next time, America!

So, I am reading Stephen King’s The Stand for the 3rd time. My Captain Tripps history goes back over 40 years, reading it for the first time in 1978. Twenty years passed, and the complete and unabridged version had just been released so naturally, I had to read it again. Thirty years later and and this will be my 3rd time (again the complete version) for Linde Family Book Club (which meets by phone every other Sunday at 4 pm if you’re interested in becoming a member). To say this opus of horror is one of my favorite books is an understatement. To say it is one of my favorite novels, might be. For the record, East of Eden by John Steinbeck is my favorite novel. I hate to get all nitpicky, but I think there is a fundamental difference between favorite book and novel and that’s what we are going to explore today on snob corner. 
 
For sheer literary beauty, Steinbeck’s novel is unsurpassed. The prose is nothing short of hypnotic and the story is so rooted in the human condition that you can’t help but learn about yourself and your fellow man. Grapes of Wrath was once my favorite novel as was Cannery Row but, that is the wonderful thing about favorite authors and novels, they can change depending on age, status or mood.
 
But King’s classic story of good versus evil remains a book I can’t help returning to. The Stand is just a damn good yarn, pure and simple and there is no shame in preferring it over other literary giants. Hey, don’t get me wrong. There is some damn good character work in King’s work as well. M-O-O-N that spells good character work. 
 
I find myself drawn into the story easily because it has one foot grounded firmly in reality while the other languishes about freely in King’s fertile imagination. The Stand is mythic in structure and holds one’s interest from page one. High praise indeed. There are only two other books that I have read as often. Each are about as long and of both, I would say the same things. If you are interested, they are Lord of the Rings by J.R.R Tolkien and Herman Wouk’s The Winds of War. These two also happen to share certain things in common. Both are damn fine yarns (one based in history), both are epic in scope and both concern the battle between the forces of good and evil. 
 
So, Linde, what’s the big diff between greatest novel or greatest book? Or are you just a snob? Well, I am definitely a snob but let me try and break it down in just one single one line of King’s prose. 
 
And I am quoting directly here:
 
“Baby can you dig your man?”
 
Do I need to go on?
 
“He is a righteous man!” 
 
I think this one quote sums up my entire argument. It’s not a big deal really. Afterall, the lyric of Larry Underwood’s hit song is merely a device to get Larry from nobody to somebody, to survivor of a global pandemic. However, my guess is the total time it took the author to come up with this lyric must have been a literal nano second. 
 
I am only suggesting that the author of what I consider to be the greatest novel may have taken a bit more time before settling on the above choice.
 
But…
 
When you are concentrating on telling a great story, you do not always have to spend hours finding the perfect words to tell it. Hell, that may even slow you down. The choice merely has to be not so glaring that it takes you completely out of the story. There are thousands of such examples in literally hundreds of Kings’ other stories and yet they are some of the most popular that have ever been written. And, for good reason. Sometimes word (or lyric) choice is not all that important when writing a book that was meant to be read three times. 

​Look, I will be honest, I don’t get offered that much work to turn down. It’s not like producers and directors are beating down the doors of our Windsor abode to capitalize on my writing talent. On the one hand, while it may not be the most satisfying of careers, it certainly makes it much easier when it comes to filing my taxes. Recently, I received an offer to write another ultra, low budget horror film and, gasp, here are the following reasons for me saying no. 
 
I should qualify all this by saying that I have not formally said no but have made a list of demands that will most likely will not be met.  So, just what exactly does it take for J.P. Linde to turn down a job or at least make a list of demands that will never, ever be met?
 
I am glad you asked.
 

1. A script that can’t possibly be saved. Now, I am of a firm belief that almost anyone can find redemption. For the written word, I am not so sure. Sometimes you stumble across something written so poorly, that there is no way you can make it even remotely watchable. Some would say that Axe to Grind is one such script and who am I to argue? Hell, I might even agree. In my defense, I would only say, I had one week, and you should have seen what I had to work with. But sometimes, you come across something that can’t be saved, and you simply have to zip up the body bag and get on with your life.
2. Low, low money. Hey, if I am going to work in the sewers, I want to be paid. Very simple really. I have taken some very lousy jobs, some for even lousier money. But, with each on time completion, I value myself and my work a little bit more and my price goes up. Dave Anderson, comedian, broadcast journalist and radio talk show host, was right. Never fall below what you were paid for your last job. 
3. Full credit for what you’ve done. There are some hyphenates (Producer-Writers) who are resistant to sharing credit. Add to this that the more lacking in talent they are, the worst they are willing to share credit. If they were so damn good, the director would not be coming to you last minute to save the damn thing. Two words. Fuck them!
4. I doubt very much that anyone here would accept a job writing speeches for Donald Trump. It is very much the same when accepting rewrite jobs. If you can’t in good conscience work on it, by all means say so. It just isn’t worth the amount of time wrestling with your conscience on why you took the job in the first place. 
5. Realistic expectations aka silk purse out of sow’s ear. If you are expecting a Golden Globe nomination for The Lighthouse Keeper 2, good on you. Who am I to stomp your dreams all to hell? But when you do come out of the coma, realize that one job leads to another and with each time you open Final Draft, you are getting that much bit better.

 
Okay, that is all I have to say on this subject. I would add a customary you tube video here but to be honest, I am not sure what would pair nicely.
 
Let’s try this.

​Hello all!  I thought we would take a break from me bitching about current events and go over some notable documentaries that are currently streaming. Three out of the four are great and worth a look. Without further ado, let’s get started
 
Belushi (Showtime) Fair and balanced reporting of the life and tragic death of a major comedic performer and star by the people who knew him best. From his early childhood in Wheaton IL to his last tragic days alone at the Chateau Marmont, this accounting never holds back at a career that made such a major impression in television and movie audiences the late 70’s. Definitely worth checking out.
 
The Go Gos (Showtime) A documentary for all those who doubt the contribution of this groundbreaking female band. Even though their contribution to the overall music scene was short lived, their influence continues to live on. This film follows the humble beginnings of these punk wannabes as they form their own band and move from opening act to headliners in what the industry would consider record time.  As with Belushi we do get a fairly good look what sudden fame, drugs and infighting can do to a career. Come for the music, stay for some glances at truly sad examples of plastic surgery.
 
Murder on Middle Beach (HBO). Maddening in that it could have been a bit shorter and that we never truly uncover the true killer of Barbie Beach, instead spending the overall length of episodes merely muddying up the waters of what truly happened. Was it the father? Was it the sister of the victim? Was it the daughter? As an audience we deserve more that, we may never know. What is, however, truly inspiring about this doc, is the work of the documentarian, Madison Hamburg, as the sifts through all of the maddening scenarios of what could have happened. 
 
Fear City: New York vs The Mafia. Finally, a documentary where Rudy Guiliani does not have his hands in his pants. This is an extremely interesting recounting of the fight of a major city to uncover the tentacles to the major crime families and how they were initially brought to justice through wiretapping and the brave men and women of the justice department who live to talk about themselves. Again, easily two episodes and thirty minutes too long.
 

See you all next week!

Just when you thought we couldn’t get any dumber, this happens. 

A quote from Marjorie Taylor Greene:
 
"Oddly there are all these people who have said they saw what looked like lasers or blue beams of light causing the fires."
 
And what powers these mysterious space cannons?
 
“Space solar generators."
 
Run by?
 
"Rothschild Inc, international investment banking firm."
 
Who happens to be currently on the board of PG&E.
 
Wow. And I thought the My Crack and Pillow Guy was out of his mind. Seems like a majority of the Republican Party is currently neck deep in the works of Carlos Castaneda. And this appears to be just the beginning. 
 
Fellow Lizard People, here is a list of coming Q Anon conspiracy theories. Be sure and mark your calendars as some of these predictions are literally just around the corner.
 

• The Uncle Sam billboard in Chehalis, Washington will be registered as a national landmark and become new mecca for the American Nazi Party, the KKK and the upper management of a popular chicken establishment.
•  Jewish Space Lasers will one day be as affordable as hybrid cars, automatic garage door openers and jet packs.
• The term “Lizard people” will be added to all American history textbooks.
• Covid-19 will eventually be eradicated with liberal use of non-scented Febreze. 
• Mortgage rates will soon fall below 2% and “the Jews” will buy all your stuff.
• Disney will remove Trump from Florida’s Hall of Presidents, replacing him with Ernst Stavro Blofeld and his cat.
• Star Trek: The Motion Picture/The Directors’ Cut will finally be released on Blu Ray.
• In what will eventually be categorized as a miracle, Kirk Cameron will mount a comeback in movies, replacing Willie Aames in the long, anticipated sequel to Zapped.
• Scott Sanford will finally win an Academy Award for best original screenplay.
• Lindsey Graham will be the very special guest in season 30 of Dancing with the Stars.

Well, there you have it. Perilous times indeed. If you do encounter either a Space Laser or a lizard person, do not hesitate to call Mar-a-lago at 561 832 2600. Be sure and tell them, The Visitors sent you.
 
And now, for your entertainment pleasure, a democrat has a snack:

​Hopefully this will be my last political blog of the new year. Bad shit is still happening all around us, but at least the big, bad, orange Randall Flagg is no longer huffing and puffing across this nation. Maybe he is like Sauron, merely waiting his time until the third age to attempt to finish us all. Well, like the environment, we Americans have a way of dealing with such things; kick it down the damn road for another generation.
 
To all of the “deplorables” who are now wailing and gnashing their teeth because Q did not intervene and stop the lizard, democratic pedophiles, I can only say, a giant heart-felt fuck you. Just a reminder, Santa Claus is not coming to town, your mom was the tooth fairy and Jesus is never coming back for you. He left you a message and you ignored it. Go back into your caves, under rocks or doublewides if you got, and take a community college night class. I’d prefer Civics but will settle on all of you taking Introduction to Film.
 
I am not naïve. We will have a hard time coming together. What divides us, is ultimately a lot stronger than what holds us together. Why, because its older. It turns out that racism is the tie that binds, the super-glue that holds all of it together. Look to your neighbor to your left, look to your neighbor to your right and if they are not racists, guess what? 
​
With Sleepy Joe, hopefully we finally have a minute or two to catch our breath. Take a nap but, word of caution, do it with your eyes open. Remember, there Urik-Hai and Orcs are still around. They just go by different names now. Names like Tuberville, Cruz and Hawley. They are legion, reproducing, not only infiltrating politics but all other areas of civilized society as well, including Real Estate, Nail Salons, Gun-toting diners and cancelled Showtime series Ray Donovan. 
 
And now that I have totally depressed you, here is a brief message of hope from Dame Katy Perry.
 

This won’t take as long as the My Pillow Guy’s plan to overturn a free and fair election. I must admit, I never once suspected the former crack addict and bedding entrepreneur of plotting to overthrow the government. But, I guess we live in curious times.  Watching a civilized society implode is not for squeamish. It takes a real resolution to count down the days before a newly elected government takes over. And It ain’t over. There is a whole collection of second-string villains, eagerly awaiting their guest star roles for America’s own version of the Adam West Batman.
 
There’s the devious and dastardly Cuck played, of course by the charming and wife watching Roger Stone and his not so youthful ward, The Rev. There’s always the Sycophant Butt Boys, Senator Cruz and Hawley. Always a joy to see how low these ass-killers will go. Mattel from Hell, (Ivanka and Mr. Ivanka) prove to be as dangerous as they are unwilling to let you use on of their toilets. Mr. Moneybags, Lou Dobbs, is a great minion for the throngs of Trump supporters who have to use urinary catheters. And who could forget, the most horrifying of them all, The Cage himself,” Stephen, (I forgot I am Jewish) Hitler, I mean Miller.
 
What’s really sad is I could go on and on and on and on. Kelly Ann Conway, The Shrieking Skull, Steve “The Mnuch” Mnuchin. Well, you see, all warrant villain roles, battling the 60s Caped Crusader. The sad part, half of America would be rooting for the bad guys.
 
Stay safe, Amercia. And I really mean it!
 

​We interrupt regularly scheduled programming this week for this special BEWARE THE IDES OF JANUARY episode. Let’s start with the facts, shall we.
 
The President invited his “followers” to Washington DC, promising all a “wild protest.”
After addressing his followers on Jan 6, 2020. The so-called wild protest turns into a seditious mob, threatening to kill Vice President Mike Pence and storms the capital building. Seems like someone left the barn door open and with little trouble they walk on in. Some of these asshats are even armed with weapons, some carry zip-ties while pipe bombs are left outside. Later, commentators on Fox News declare that members of Antifa have infiltrated this mob which is absolutely false. Protestors clearly declare to anyone with a camera and a mic who they are and what they are doing.
 
Meanwhile back at the White House, Trump and his criminal family watch, laugh and tweet as thugs ransack the national seat of power. Music plays and everyone seems to be having a grand time. After holding back support for the beleaguered capital, the National Guard finally arrives and the protestors are beat back where there are almost no arrests until the following day.
 
Trump is subsequently banned from Twitter and promises to work for a peaceful transition of power. However, he will not be attending the inauguration.
 
Why the recap? Because my fear is this is not over. This mob has promised that this is not over and that they will return with even greater numbers. They have threatened the prospect of a peaceful transition of power as well as state and local governments. 
 
From CNN:
 
“John Scott-Railton, a senior researcher at the Citizen Lab -- a group at the University of Toronto that monitors cybersecurity -- said he is "terribly concerned" about the inauguration.
"While the broader public was aghast at what happened (Wednesday) at the Capitol, in certain corners of the sort of right wing conversation, what happened ... is viewed as a success," he told CNN.”
 
I firmly believe that the FBI and all other law enforcement agencies are monitoring the chatter of these terrorists. Oh, wait, the Justice Department and The Department of Homeland Security are still under the control of the White House.
 
Now what?
 
Please contact your representatives and let them know that you are concerned about the safety of the inauguration and of our republic. Fully protect the Nation’s Capital and fully check anyone in and out in the next few weeks. Send the local National Guard to our State Capitals. Armed protestors must be arrested on sight. Fuck their 2nd amendment rights. They walk on state government property, they get arrested and thrown in jail for inciting violence.
 
Enough is enough! For the past for years, America’s doors have been open and we have been infiltrated by traitors an it is time to slam it in their face. 

I saw the title of an article recently that proposed Disney’s The Mandalorian saved Star Wars. SPOILER ALERT. It did. In my opinion Jon Favreau’s series did more for the franchise than J.J Abrams did for two films. When you talk about the top movies in the canon, one naturally turns to Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, Star Wars: A New Hope and Star Wars: Rogue One. All three of these films have one thing in common, a dedication to story. Favreau’s series went back to the basics as to what made these particular films great. 
 
There is no other place in the universe that these characters can belong to and yet, they are all truly something special. My personal favorite was in only two episodes but made an impression that will stick with me for quite some time. I am speaking of course of Werner Herzog, star of the classic Werner Herzog Eats his Shoe. Armed with a sinister leer and a piercing stare, he steals every single scene he is in. Add to the roster the following guest stars, all with reoccurring roles, Nick Nolte, Amy Sedaris, Bill Burr, Gina Carano and Carl Weathers, and you have a cast of characters truly worth tuning in. Not one of these characters is uninteresting and all because of an attention to character and what makes Star Wars truly special.
 
I don’t want to leave out Pedro Pascal who shines as the futuristic samurai with a code that is as unwavering as he is. A great character like this deserves great stories and in two seasons there has not been a dud. Even episodes that are distinctly similar to Kurosawa or Leone have their twist and individual flavor. 
 
The line-up of guest directors is as talented and diverse as the actors. Dave Filoni, Rick Famuyiwa, Deborah Chow, Bryce Dallas Howard, Taika Waititi and Carl Weathers. All of these artists share two very special things in common, a love of all things Star Wars and the writing and production supervision of Jon Favreau.
 
 Together, they have all forged a welcome addition and a renewed vitality to a beloved series.