How to Entertain Yourself in a Pandemic.

​As a public service, I have created a list of extra fun activities to keep you and your family occupied during this pandemic.

#1 Celebrity Corona Virus Bingo - Create cards with pictures of your favorite celebrities five down and five across. Have someone follow Facebook or Twitter, announcing hourly celebrities that have come down with the virus. When you get five in a row in any direction, (Tom Hanks, Rita Wilson, Idris Elba, Olga Kurylenko and the dude from Game of Thrones), yell out at the top of your lungs, “Celebrity Corona Virus Bingo!” 

#2 An Ol’ Fashioned Family Cold and Flu Medicine Spody-Ody. Fill up any quart sized container with a liquid cold and flu medicines along with a generous portion of ice. Turn on Fox news and take a chug every time a news host or hostess informs you that this will all be over by the end of March.

#3 Porn. This ‘ol standby has been keeping people inside their houses and locked in their rooms for years. If Pee-Wee Herman and Fred Willard had a room, a computer and access to the internet, they would not have the reputations they share today (Joke courtesy of Albert Brooks).

#4. Give your cat a shower. This old standby is always good for a few laughs and stiches. No kitty burrito here. This is where we separate the men from the pussies. If you don’t have a cat, any possum, raccoon or rat will do in pinch. 

#3. Troll Vanessa Hudgens "Til July sounds like a bunch of bulls**t. I'm sorry. But like, it's a virus. I get it. Like, I respect it, but at the same time, like, even if everybody gets it... like, yea, people are going to die, which is terrible, but like inevitable." We all know what she meant, right? Wrong! She meant what she said. And you can just as easily mean what you say when you address her on her official Twitter account @VanessaHudgens

#2. Attempt to get a refund from American Airlines. This challenge is not for the squeamish. It will take, will, determination and the heart of a champion. Remember, no vouchers allowed. You’re playing for cold, hard cash. If you like losing in Vegas, you’ll love this game. As they say in Vegas, “Good luck.”
 
#1. Stream Anything and Everything. From Friends to all seasons of Columbo you can fuck up everyone working from home in five-mile radius. And the best part, they will never know it is you. I mean, God forbid you should ever have to pick up a book. That’s right, you can relive the historic break up of Ross and Rachel and screw your neighbor at the same time. What better way to say to the world, fuck off I am catching up on Outlander. Or you can just continue to watch the Dow slide. It’s like watching tourists go over the final plunge on Splash Mountain at Disneyland. And the excited screams of the panicked patrons is actually the sound of your suddenly devalued 401 K and retirement.  It’s entirely up to you.
 
Well, that’s my post from the new America. Keep your friends close and your toilet paper closer. Until next week. Oh, and be sure and wave to the soldiers as they rumble past your house in the dead of the night. Remember, Guardsmen need love too.