News from the Front.

Here to comment on the ongoing situation at home and abroad is the celebrated fictional news commentator and father of Pamela, Alistar "Talky" Tudsbury.

Direct from the colonies, this is my report:

It is Spring in Sonoma County…or as the natives prefer to call it, “Extreme Fire Danger until Monday.” The official start of the season keeps being pushed forward due to what flat-earthers and Q Anon conspiracists refer to as high probability of Jewish Space Lasers along with a fifty percent chance of denial.
 
When most people are worried about whether they remembered to take their Claritin in the morning, Californians are packing and repacking our Go bags while walking around our homes documenting with cellphones purchases over a thousand dollars made in the last year. It’s a festive season, filled with dry, hot winds that closely resemble the dust storms in the film Interstellar. Meanwhile in Washington, the minority rep in Congress, a shithead by the name of Kevin McCarthy literally screws over a colleague while his beloved state gets ready to combust before all our eyes. That’s okay though, because he’s from Bakersfield will ever burn to the ground. Sorry, Bakersfield.
 
Record Tornados in the Midwest, floods in the South, it’s like living in a Roland Emmerich movie with the benefit of an entertaining Harvey Firestone cameo.

But at least Republicans in Arizona continue with their important work, checking ballots for Chinese Bamboo fragments and DNA from the Bob Crane dinner theatre murders. I swear to God, we all expect Yanks to be dumb but really? They are surpassing the fictional world of Idiocracy in leaps and bounds here. 

Cheerio.
 
This is Alistair Tudsberry signing off.

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