Patience

​Can I just get this off my chest right now? I hate waiting. I am most likely the least patience person on the entire planet. Add to the fact that I am almost always chronically early, and you have a recipe for disaster. Now, creatively these two attributes can spell death to a creative career. Why, right up there in the pantheon of Hollywood lingo with “There’s no business, like show business,” and “did my agent happen to call?”, are “just hang in there,” and, of course, this chestnut, “hurry up and wait.”
 
To the purveyors of such nonsense, I freely offer the following feedback, “fuck off.”
 
Time, unlike bullshit, is finite. Waiting is a young man, or woman’s, game. Not for those of us of a specific age.
 
However, there are some examples of patience being its own reward for the AARP set.
 
At age 82, Christopher Plummer won an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor.
 
At age 77, John Glenn was the oldest person ever to go into space.
 
In his golden years, Albert Einstein once used a $1500 dollar check from the Rockefeller Foundation as a bookmark and then lost the book.
 
Well, that last one might be a step backwards.
 
At age 65, Colonel Sanders discovered he could harden the arteries of millions of otherwise healthy Americans by deep frying fowl. Decades later, the company he founded would invent a sandwich with two chicken breasts substituting for the bread.
 
Unfortunately, these stories of senior success do not go on and on. In fact, I think we are all out. Zip. Nada. Nothing. So, as you can clearly see, being patient is a waste of time. I suggest you get on that phone, call somebody, yell at them at the top of your lungs, informing them that you are running out of time. Tell them it is only a matter of time before you fall and break your hip and that you are tired of doing crossword puzzles to improve mental cognizance. If you are loud and insistent enough, they may just put you in a home with other like-minded individuals. That won’t be so bad, will it. I understand that Tuesdays and Thursdays are tapioca night.
 
 Until next time, America!