J.P. Linde
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J.P. Linde

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J.P. on "STOP ME IF I'VE HEARD THIS" 04/13/20
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1995: AROUND TOWN - KOIN TV (Portland Oregon)
In my brief 3 months as Entertainment Reporter, I won 16 Emmys and three Pulitzer Prizes.
You can now gift the entire J.P. Linde collection of novels and films. “SON OF RAVAGE,” “THE HOLOGRAPHIC DETECTIVE AGENCY” and, of course, the campy horror film classic “AXE TO GRIND.” All three make excellent gifts. And while you’re at it, add a couple of J.P. Linde COMEDY CLUB NETWORK appearances to your digital library. You can find all of my appearances on Amazon Prime at a very affordable price. Give the gift that will keep on giving. Get your J.P. Linde Media Bundle today!

“The most frequent side effects associated with the J.P. Linde Media Bundle are tachycardia, blurred vision, abdominal pain, and diarrhea. Decreases in appetite and rash/pruitus are also common. Those patients purchasing the J.P. Linde Media Bundle are at risk for developing extrapyramidal symptoms, including dystonia, parkinsonism, and restlessness, in addition to neuroleptic malignant syndrome and tardive dyskinesia. In some cases, The J.P. Linde Media Bundle can cause hyperprolactinemia, orthostatic hypotension, leucopenia, seizures, and the potential for suicide. As with most atypical antipsychotics, metabolic changes such as weight gain and hyperglycemia are also possible”

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The Chunnel (Pt 2)

6/13/2020

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​     Well, here we are. Another week already come and gone and the final installment from the sequel to Son of Savage,
 
As promised, the thrilling conclusion of  The Chunnel.
 
​The H.O.R.D.A. came to a stop fifty feet away from Beast and Face’s last known location. The two men had obviously been moved, their homing beacons announcing a new location just beyond a wall of solid rock. A dark, foreboding barrier of the earth’s crust separated the stalled machine from two missing friends. The powerful excavation machine powered down abruptly. It was going nowhere. It lay inert and silent, sleeping beneath the earth with seemingly no chance of ever completing its mission.
     The inside mechanics rattled for a brief second before a panel slid open exposing the uncomfortable human hiding inside. The male was in his thirties, with long curly hair in what was best described as a Jewish fro. He possessed what appeared to be an unremarkable physique which appeared at any rate conducive to adventuring of any kind. Barry Ravage sat up in the canister, stretched out his arms, his hyper-sensitive eyes piercing the pitch-black darkness. His entire body was vibrating, an inherited signature family alarm. It was an action that criminals the world over would very soon learn to fear. 
     The son of Ravage vaulted out of the contraption, crouching low enough so as not to bang his head in the cramped space of the newly excavated tunnel. He turned back, reaching inside the innards of the mechanical beast and removed a large knapsack. He threw the pack over his shoulder, removed an all-purpose crescent wrench and started a quick operation, separating the laser drill from the tip of the H.O.R.D.A. He promptly secured the removed device to the metallic stock of what was best described as some futuristic weapon.
     “Hold on, you two,” the hero muttered confidently to himself. “I’m going as fast as I can.”
 
     The two men hung upside down in the utter blackness. Face was the first to regain consciousness, his head pounding from the onslaught of blood racing there from his extremities.  He groped around and finally locating it, removing the retractable flashlight from his belt. He switched it on and gasped unexpectedly. The beam highlighted a craggy floor of rock one hundred feet below.
     “Why doesn’t this surprise me?” he asked himself.  The actor rotated the beam past the unconscious body of his friend Beast, focusing on the rest of the bodies hanging alongside of them. Like themselves, the men were all upside down. Their necks were severed, gaping fleshy grins covered in a waxy, dark crust. The rest of the bodies were caked in their own dried blood.
     “Beast, wake up,” A panicked Face urged. “I’m pretty sure now that I didn’t cut myself.”
     The burly colleague moaned, opening his eyes. He looked down at the cavern floor below before the beam from his colleague’s flashlight hit him directly into his eyes. “Such a head rush,” he exclaimed, squinting. “Hey, do you mind?”
     “I hate you,” Face stated for the record. The actor was, as usual, agitated as he flashed the light over the hanging deceased. “Another Feng Shui experiment gone horribly wrong.”
     “The missing men.”
     “Gee, you think?” Face said. “We need to get out of here before we become the other white meat.”
     “Us,” Beast agreed. “It’s what’s for dinner.  
     The actor struggled. It was no use. “Our hands and ankles are bound, and we’re upside down, dangling precariously hundreds of feet over jagged rock.”
     “A smile is a frown that’s upside down.” 
     “What the hell are you talking about?” We’re upside down and this is not a…Ohhh!”
     The big man was whistling, already hard at work. He had dug the tiny pocketknife from his jeans pocket and had flipped it open. Blade revealed; Beast contorted his torso into an inverted sit-up. It was quite the accomplishment for a man of his overall shape. He was now able to reach his feet and was hacking away at the thick sticky substance that held him upside down. With a sudden yank, a foot came free and the burly adventurer dangled dangerously, one foot keeping him from a deadly plummet. “Whoa! I may need to rethink this.”
     “Gee, you think?”
 
     The creature slithered through the dank blackness, latching misshapen, gnarled talons onto the stalactites erupting from the ceiling of ancient rock. It hissed as it maneuvered across the secret nest toward the suspended bodies of its bumbling prey. It had been weeks since it’s last feeding of warm flesh. Buried in a state of suspended hibernation had awaken the shadowy abomination’s appetite. Explosions and the roar of modern machinery burrowing through the rock had been its alarm clock, awaking it from the rock prison. Once freed, it had choice but to make the excavation site its feeding grounds. 
     Mankind had attempted to destroy it centuries before and failed. Unlucky researchers from the Royal Science Academy did manage to capture the legendary beast in a dark cave on the European continent for transportation to England for study. But it escaped, creating deathly havoc on the board the sailing vessel. Finally caught with the aid of a fishing net, a desperate crew disposed of the monster by throwing it overboard. But the plan backfired when an unexpected volcanic anomaly encased the demon in a sepulcher of cooling lava, and it plummeted to the bottom of the icy waters inert but alive. A century later an underground earthquake broke open the ocean floor. A fissure formed, the stone sarcophagus slipping through the opening in the earth like a posted envelope. Now, thanks to the excavation of the new, futuristic Chunnel, the long-forgotten angel of death had been set free.
     After its unexpected resurrection, the slithering monstrosity kept above the bright excavation lights, creeping along the rock ceilings of the manmade tunnels. Dinner was easy as dropping down on an unsuspecting human prey, stunning them with venom and transporting the meal back to the hidden nest. Upside down, the blood of the victims rushed to the heads and it was merely a case of slicing through the vulnerable flesh of the neck and dining on the warm, crimson life-force as it emptied out the bodies.
     The capture of these two had been the easiest by far. Arguing loudly, the two humans had blundered directly under it and it took no time to subdue them and haul them to its nest.  In devilish anticipation, the creature opened a maw, exposing hundreds of razor-pointed teeth and screeched. It was the sound of approaching death. 
     “It good be friendly” Beast attempted feebly.
     “Sure it could. Why don’t you ask the rest of its dinner guests?”
     Beast wielded the tiny blade of the knife at the shadow creeped toward them. Whatever it was, it was well over 11 feet in length from claw to head. The creature possessed a leathery hide and two blood-red eyes that seemed to radiate through the darkness. “Get any closer and I’ll stick you with my blade,” Beast warned.
     “Well that will definitely make it think twice,” Face blurted. “It’s not stopping!”
     It moved effortlessly, parting the decaying bodies of previous meals and revealed itself fully. The beam from Face’s flashlight hit it directly in had to be the creature’s face and the entire body flinched, hissing again over the unexpected onslaught of light. Beady red eyes studied the actor and his friend. The mouth, once full of nothing but teeth, retracted, making way for a fleshy pink duct of pulsing membrane.
     “Last warning,” Beast offered somewhat sheepishly. “Don’t force me to go all West Side Story on your ass.”
     “This is a hell of a time to make fun of my love for musical theatre,” Face fired back. “And I don’t think it’s a fan.”
     The creature hopped forward, landing several feet from Beast.
     “I wouldn’t,” Face warned. “I’m pretty sure my friend has Hep C.”
     “What?” Beast protested. “That’s just rude.”
     “I’m not saying you do,” Face corrected. “I’m just saying you might.”
     The health warning did nothing to deter the creature from an unquenchable hunger. It was now well within striking distance. It reached out with a razor-sharp claw, aiming a malformed talon directly at Beast’s throat. Apparently, he blonde actor was to be the second course.
     “Mommy,” Face whimpered.
 
     Barry operated the heavy laser drill bit by hand, boring through the rock. It was slow going as he was forced to drag the heavy shell of the H.O.R.D.A. behind him. His belt had looped around a grip in the device and slipped around his shoulder. His lean muscles handled the weight effortlessly while all the while his keen mind counted off how much time he had left. Even if everything went according to plan, he still might not make it. The last dark thought stuck to close to home and he quickened an already accelerated pace.
 
     “Who is he and what the bloody hell is he doing?”
     The power and lights flickered and returned, anxious executives and engineers gathered around the monitor, watching the human bore through the earth with the dismantled laser drill. Cameras, housed along the hull of the drill, were providing the startling video.
     Doc took a grateful drag off his cigarette. “Gentlemen, meet Barry Ravage.”
     “I thought you said he was otherwise engaged,” another engineer chimed in.
     “Perhaps he felt that announcing his presence might jeopardize your chances,” Brain theorized. “He is rather unpredictable.”
     “He was hiding in that contraption all along?” an overweight executive protested. ”Why for god’s sake?
     Beast and Doc studied each other silently. There was no arguing their friend’s peculiar way of doing things. His behavior had been strange enough before the pasta strainer, transfer device had changed all their lives. Now, this type of bizarre behavior seemed to be all part of his heroic routine.
 
     It watched the enemy break through the wall of rock wall and enter its nesting area. The perspiring mortal, dragging the bulky metallic cylinder behind. The creature paused, drawing itself into the darkness of the rocks and peering down at the unexpected arrival with demon’s eyes. The human was wearing dark goggles as if the special eyewear might even the odds. It would not. It would dispose of this trespasser as it had all the others. The arrival had interrupted an ancient ritual and it would pay for that with its life.
     Barry positioned the remains of the H.O.R.D.A in the middle of the chamber and waited. Hopefully, he had arrived in time. He did not have long to wait. The son of Ravage heard the leathery creature unwrap its body from the rock and instinctively knew it was ready to strike. Barry grabbed the lid of the H.O.R.D.A, attempting to throw it open but was too late. The creature dropped, landing on the metallic shell. Barry fell back as the hellish terror rose to its full height. 
     It was some ancient mix of human and demon, far more deadly than any predator found in the known world. Barry reached into his vest pocket and revealed the crucifix. Unlike the Barry of old, his new incarnation of hero was prepared for any uncertainty.
     The creature snarled with a guttural contempt that had been spawned beyond the very gates of hell. “You think I’m a vampire? That worthless trinket is of no consequence to me.”
     “Better to have it and not need it,” Barry quipped. The son of Ravage folded the arms of the religious trinket, pushed a hidden button and launched the crucifix, the icon taking off from his hand like a sizzling bottle rocket. 
     The creature dodged the ensuing explosion and pounced. Barry dropped backwards, rolling onto his back and pushing off. He landed back on his feet, striking a posture that signaled he was now on offense. The creature lunged again as Barry slid out of the way, grabbing the devil by its leathery dark hide.
     “Stay right where you are,” Barry grunted.
     The creature broke free easily, its strength no match for the human. Barry watched through his infrared night goggles as the creature launched itself upward, once again attaching itself to the rock ceiling.
     “I will satisfy my timeless hunger with the flesh of your friends,” the creature threatened. “No one can stop me. I have been kissed by the devil himself.” 
     “Can you please keep it down.” It was the soft moaning voice of Face. It came from somewhere in the darkness above. “Some of us are trying to sleep.”
     Barry peered up into the darkness, recognizing the bodies of his friends now hanging upside down. One barely moved. The heavier of the two, the one called Beast, was deathly still.
     “Hang on,” Barry muttered to himself. 
     “Kneel and worship me,” the creature bellowed from above. “Kneel and renounce your God.”
     Barry, sensing the battle was about over, complied. “I’m an American,” he answered. “We worship nothing but consumerism and the almighty dollar.” He looked up and spotted the shadowy creature. “Sorry.”
     “Remove that device from your head,” the creature instructed. “Gaze upon me with mortal eyes.”
     Barry reached over the goggles unhooking them from the back. He would have to act fast. His whole body was vibrating, shaking as he crawled forward until he could reach out and feel the cold steel of the H.O.R.D.A.
     “Release my friends, Barry shouted as he grabbed the lid of the device. “Last warning.”
     “I take life,” the creature hissed. “I do not spare it.”
     “Suit yourself,” Barry muttered. “But perhaps I can shed a little light on the subject.”
     Barry threw open the lid and flipped the switch inside the shell. A mixture of ultraviolet light and radiation flooded the cavern. The creature shrieked, covering its face with leathery wings. It was too late. The light was piercing its flesh and was searing it alive. The same light that treated keratosis, psoriasis and eczema was now at work on this ancient beast, melting him from the inside out.
     The creature hissed and dropped. Barry dove out of the way as it exploded mid-air, disintegrating into a dust that was old as the ages.
     Barry reached into the tanning bed nestled inside the metallic shell and switched off. He had built it specifically for Face to deal with his skin condition and had inserted it inside the H.O.R.D.A last minute before it was shipped off to England. There was something about the disappearance of the workers that warned Barry Ravage he may be needing it.
 
     The five colleagues had reunited in the cavern where Barry had proved victorious over the ancient foe. The engineers had arrived and rescued Beast and Face from their prison and the bodies of the deceased workers had been retrieved and would soon to be reunited with their grieving families.
     The English executive who hired Barry had joined a handful of befuddled engineers. Despite the loss, the work would resume. The Chunnel would finish on time. 
     A round, middle-aged man with a nose ripe with booze berries stepped forward. “We’re extremely grateful,” he announced. “How much do we owe you?”
     Doc removed the invoice out of his pocket and handed it to the man in charge. The executive unfolded it and read with disbelieving, blood-shot eyes. “A half a million pounds to the International Planned Parenthood Federation? This is bloody outrageous. I’m Catholic.” He blustered. “The Board of Directors will have my head for this.”
     “Better them than him,” Beast said, grinning and pointing upward. 
     “They do very good work. We took the liberty of alerting the organization, along with the press before our arrival,” Brain said. “They’ll be expecting your donation any time.”
     “It is extremely generous,” Doc added. “Thank you.”
     With nothing else to say, the red-faced conservative stalked off, leaving Barry alone with his friends.
     It had been agreed by all concerned parties that payments or rewards from their exploits would be donated to charity. There were hundreds of organizations that needed help. It is what Barry’s father would have wanted. Maybe his birth mother would have wanted it too. Barry would never be sure. He still knew nothing about her, and it left an increasing longing that he felt could never be filled.
     “An actual demonic manifestation in animal form,” Brain said. “I would have liked to have seen that.”
     “It was a beaut,” Face added. “And all the more menacing when you are hanging upside down.” The actor’s face became suddenly flushed as an unexpected queasiness seized him. He needed to sit down and quickly.
     “It was the mother of all demonic manifestations,” Beast exclaimed.
     “Mother,” Barry muttered to himself. “I wonder.”
     “And you owe me a tanning bed,” the actor protested feebly. He had broken out in a flop sweat and his insides were suddenly tied into one nauseous knot. “I think I’m going to be sick,” he whispered before losing consciousness. Beast caught the blonde actor on the way down to the floor and looked over at Barry helplessly.
     “Let’s get him out of here,” Barry ordered. “Now.”
 
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     ​In 1981, J.P. Linde co-wrote and appeared in a one-man comedy show titled “Casually Insane.”  Shortly after, he joined the ranks of stand-up comedy and performed in clubs and colleges throughout the United States and Canada.  In 1989, he made his national television debut on “Showtime’s Comedy Club Network.”  He wrote the libretto for the musical comedy “Wild Space A Go Go” and co-wrote and co-produced the feature motion picture, “Axe to Grind.”  “Son of Ravage” is his second novel.

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