The Oscars are Coming! The Oscars are Coming!

Honestly, I could give a flying fuck for any award show, let alone the Oscars. I am still personally pissed about my own slight from years ago. I was quite confident that Axe to Grind would have least won for the Best Picture Made For Less Than Three Hundred Dollars. Alas, Avatar won. I know, right? 
 
I must admit at delighting at the prospect of what qualifies and what doesn’t. This little pandemic has seemed to settle little Stevie Spielberg’s argument about what really constitutes a motion picture and what does not. Let’s not stop at Netflix or Amazon. Personally, I think we should open the list of nominees from YouTube and the media drive from your personal computer. Academy Members, put that in your ivory pipe and smoke it. 
 
And the nominees for Best Motion Picture are:
 
Cat Jump Fail. Directed by GO54Ever and Directed by Pet2PleezU.
 
The Nutcrackers: TikTok Groin Hits. Directed by Doscajones and Produced by BallBstr7
 
MILF Cucks Hubby 3: The Reckoning, Amateur69 Director and Produced by Porn Hub
 
Baby Talks to Golden Retriever. Produced and Directed by James Cameron.
 
And the winner is… Oh, they are all winners in my book. And don’t forget to thank God. Very important.
 
All of these events are really self-aggrandizing fashion shows. I
 
“You look simply ravishing. Who are you wearing?”
 
“Thank you ever so.  My outfit was completely designed courtesy of The Bass Shop. And in lieu of blood diamonds, I have adorned my sequined fishing vest in tie fly flies, most notably the colorful but practical Tungsten Jig Bugger.”
 
There’s just too many Award shows now:
 
The Golden Globes
The Grammys 
The Oscars
The Spirit Awards
The SAG Awards
The Emmys
The Tonys
And, of course,
 
The Grammies "Edna, this is your year, dear' 
 
“The award for best hard candy wrapped in a tissue goes to… Oh my god, I am so nervous, I can’t even get this open.”
 
Even a pandemic can’t stop these award shows. They are the cockroaches of televised events. Each year the ratings get worse and worse and each year we get more and more of them. I honestly think they are reproducing. 
 
Oh, what’s the use.