J.P. Linde
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J.P. Linde

Writer
J.P. on "STOP ME IF I'VE HEARD THIS" 04/13/20
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1995: AROUND TOWN - KOIN TV (Portland Oregon)
In my brief 3 months as Entertainment Reporter, I won 16 Emmys and three Pulitzer Prizes.
You can now gift the entire J.P. Linde collection of novels and films. “SON OF RAVAGE,” “THE HOLOGRAPHIC DETECTIVE AGENCY” and, of course, the campy horror film classic “AXE TO GRIND.” All three make excellent gifts. And while you’re at it, add a couple of J.P. Linde COMEDY CLUB NETWORK appearances to your digital library. You can find all of my appearances on Amazon Prime at a very affordable price. Give the gift that will keep on giving. Get your J.P. Linde Media Bundle today!

“The most frequent side effects associated with the J.P. Linde Media Bundle are tachycardia, blurred vision, abdominal pain, and diarrhea. Decreases in appetite and rash/pruitus are also common. Those patients purchasing the J.P. Linde Media Bundle are at risk for developing extrapyramidal symptoms, including dystonia, parkinsonism, and restlessness, in addition to neuroleptic malignant syndrome and tardive dyskinesia. In some cases, The J.P. Linde Media Bundle can cause hyperprolactinemia, orthostatic hypotension, leucopenia, seizures, and the potential for suicide. As with most atypical antipsychotics, metabolic changes such as weight gain and hyperglycemia are also possible”

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The Wild, Wild Treatment (Pt 2)

8/1/2020

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​Writing anything on spec (aka, the hell of it) is a crapshoot. That’s why it is very important to always get it in writing and to be paid up front. If you continue to write for free, producers will continue to refrain from paying you…anything. You become the date that is easy and “who will deliver the milk for free.” No matter how hard it is to bring the subject up, you must remember to always insist on cash upfront. And remember, it makes no difference who it is. Even the bigger names in show business will insist on getting something for nothing. Sometimes even stars and A-list producers have been known to exploit writing talent. If fact, if you research history long enough, you may discover that writing on speculation is actually the older of the two “oldest” professions. I was once in the office an executive who later become the president of the Motion Picture Academy. He was considering option a western I wrote for TNT. Coverage was good. It was merely a question of price. Without an agent, it was up to me to mention it and when I did, the expression on the man’s face was priceless. His eyes glazed over and all emotion drained from his exterior. He became speechless. Prying open his “discretionary fund” appeared to be not even an option.
 
With this cautionary paragraph out of the way, let’s move on. I presented the 10-page treatment to the producer at Warner’s a week later. He read it excitedly and immediately placed it in a memo folder, scribbling down the name to the appropriate studio head and handed it off to his assistant. He barely had time to tell me how great it was. It was already heading moving up the chain. I met the gentlemen who helped me orchestrate this deal on the lot. He had not even had a chance to read it, so he perused the treatment before the two of us said our goodbyes. Tom and I had done good, he reported. Our chances were solid. 
 
When I turned in our draft, the rumored stars of the project were Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman. Upon further research now, I discovered there were several other incarnations of Wild, Wild West out there. One was by legendary screenwriter Shane Black with Richard Donner scheduled to direct and Mel Gibson to star. I was brought into the picture when things had cooled off after a year or two. Now, apparently every producer with a shingle on the lot had been given a chance at the project. I was one of hundreds. Writers were literary bounty hunters and we were all after the same story.
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Somewhere between 1995 and 1996, the die had been cast and Peters had been deemed the keeper of what they hoped would be the exciting new franchise. Will Smith had been announced to star and no less than Barry Sonnenfeld had been brought into direct. Several writers worked on the script, at the beginning credit going to the two lads who wrote both Short Circuit and Tremors. However, these two were jettisoned, replaced by the writers of Roger Rabbit. Soon, the total of screenwriters taking to half dozen. 
 
It seems Peters won on another front as well. His failed attempt at reviving Superman, resulted in a 3rd act masterpiece of an idea. He insisted that his hero fight a giant spider. In Wild, Wild West, the hairdresser finally got his wish. West and Gordon do tangle with a spider which also happens to be mechanical. 
 
Whenever I get to down in the dumps about this particular opportunity that got away, I simply google Will Smith hates Wild, Wild West and am rewarded by the headlines of the subsequent articles.
 
2016. Will Smith Regrets Wild, Wild West, Will Smith Embarrassed by Wild, Wild West and my personal favorite, Why I Turned Down the Matrix to Make Wild, Wild West.
 
There is happiness in Hollywood. It’s merely knowing where to find it.

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     ​In 1981, J.P. Linde co-wrote and appeared in a one-man comedy show titled “Casually Insane.”  Shortly after, he joined the ranks of stand-up comedy and performed in clubs and colleges throughout the United States and Canada.  In 1989, he made his national television debut on “Showtime’s Comedy Club Network.”  He wrote the libretto for the musical comedy “Wild Space A Go Go” and co-wrote and co-produced the feature motion picture, “Axe to Grind.”  “Son of Ravage” is his second novel.

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