We almost had Paris

​(Writer’s Notebook 4/20/2020) So, let me share a brief note of what my life would have been if this pandemic had never happened. To start things off, at this very second, I’d have been patiently meandering in line at TSA in SFO for a flight to Philadelphia (City of Brotherly Love) and home of the Liberty Bell, Independence Hall, the famed Rocky Balboa Steps and host to show business icon, crooner and television host, Mike Douglas. I know those are a hell of a lot of reasons, but why Philadelphia? Well, I’d have travelled halfway across the country not to triumphantly ascend the Rocky Steps, or co-host with Mike D. After several hours of laying over, My wife would have been catching the late afternoon flight to Charles De Gaulle Airport and Paris France!
 
Now, I know everyone and their brother, up to including my wife, my daughter and my cat (see Chuck Jones’ Gay Pur-ee), have visited the City of Light. Alas, I have not, and I was sort of looking forward to it. We would’ve arrived on the 21st, taken the train to the city, checked-in to our small but overpriced hotel, taken a leisurely stroll down the Left Bank, insulted several Parisians for not pronouncing something correctly and maybe even started an International incident. But, all of that is not to be and we remain here, sequestered at home in Northern CA, witnessing morons all across the country dust off their Confederate Flags and protest their right to infect others with a very lethal disease. Go US of A. 
 
So, with that in mind, I have decided to tour France the best way, and maybe the only way I can, through my imagination. I will share it all with you, just as it happens in my mind’s eye.
 
Day 1 (April 21)
 
My wife, bless her heart, agreed to share a taxi with a nice, young gentlemen who also happened to memorize the address to our hotel. Before we had even unpacked our bags, several thugs arrived, dragged both of us out from under the bed and sold us into white slavery. Both my wife’s and my father have passed away and, so, well we are kind of shit out of luck. But, on the bright side, as a side trip, it looks like we may get to see Turkey and, if we play our cards right, the Middle East.
 
Day 2 (April 22) Lourve
 
We later escaped the slavers and decided to tour the Louvre. Geez, there is a lot to see here. And, did you know the Mona Lisa’s portrait is only as big as a postage stamp? I sure didn’t. Bumped into a chap that called himself Jason. Bad memory but seems like a nice enough guy. We decided to make him our tour guide for the day. Boy, was that a mistake. The guy seems to get in a hell of a lot of altercations. Seriously. But he is a great driver, so there is that.

​Day 3 (April 23) The War Museum and Napoleon’s Tomb
 
Boy, the days are passing quickly here. Luckily, I have plenty of You Tube videos to remind me my glorious days on the Continent. Picked a bad day to visit Napoleon. As it turned out, it was exactly the same day that the President and his cabinet had decided to visit. I did catch a quick glimpse of 45 which I took using my Nikon 3100. I apologize for the blurriness of the photo, but I refuse to use it in smart mode. I used the photo app to turn it into black and white. Still, you can clearly see the reverence on the face of our President. What a guy. 
 

​Day 4 (the Eiffel Tower and River Cruise)
 
Ever parachuted from the Eiffel Tower? Neither had I and there is no time like the present to live my dream. First, you have to dress the part. I decided on a outfit made entirely in black (it’s so slimming). I skipped paying the admission, jumped the turnstile and proceeded up the steps, pursued by a very old wine steward in a tuxedo. He was persistent for his advanced age but, with the aid of a stunt man, pursued me all the way to the top. Everyone is right. The view is fabulous. I did manage to get off without being caught and had a glorious view of the Seine and the surrounding city. Also managed to catch the River Cruise back to the hotel. 
 

​Day 5 Normandy – One of the true disappointments about the trip cancellation was not meeting up with my good friend Jerry Lambert. Little known fact about us, we are both avid World War 2 reenactors and were looking forward to getting on Omaha Beach and advancing our passion with a few fellow enthusiasts. A special thanks to Lori for holding the camera. Thank goodness she got the entire scene in one take. But that’s just Lori. She’s a real pro.

Day 6 – The Left Bank
​
Stumbled upon a delightful collection of street urchins who expressed an interest in my ability to sing George Gershwin, tap dance while wearing a kerchief.
 
Seems like it was all over too quickly. Ah, imagination, we'll always have Paris.

​We have another very special guest next week. 
 
Social Scientist, documentarian and Conspiracy Activist Brutt Dale will be joining us to share some of his important work on whatever the hell people like him work on. You owe it to yourself to take a long, discerning look at his important work.

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