You're Only as Old as They Say You Are

As I remove the contents of my Madison Reed hair color kit in anticipation of my next trip south, I ponder the issue of ageism in Hollywood and how it affects people of a certain age. I have pondered many schemes to combat the natural prejudice of writers of my generation, including utilizing a Martin Ritt type of The Front scam, recruiting someone much younger to peddle my pitches. Hey, don’t laugh. It could work.  Now of the tail end of the pandemic, I am not entirely sure investing in such a scam is needed. With the ability to conduct meetings over Skype, Zoom, or even WebEx, some producers are changing the whole idea of the pitch. And all you need for a video conference is a good puppet stand-in, like the one used by Clint Howard in Star Trek (TOS), The Corbomite Maneuver.
 
Indeed, the people who have worked with me in the past have some idea of my age. A couple of them have even attended my 60th birthday celebration. Still, like glory, memory south of Bakersfield is fleeting. As a rule, the serious screenwriter should be wary of discussing the benefits of Medicare parts A and D in any industry pitch sessions. These discussions are best left to your tight circle of friends.
 
While we’re at it, here are a few more subjects, besides your age, that should be off-limits at a pitch meeting; how broke you are, the health of the producer’s discretionary fund, and, it goes without saying, politics of any kind. However, conversations regarding the advanced age of any of your peers are perfectly acceptable and often even justified. Not only does it take the focus off of your extra-long ear and nose hairs, but it may also change the subject to someone a producer dislikes more than you.

​After all, this is show business, and you are only going to get ahead by tearing down all of those in your profession.